I'm so tired. I don't know whether or not its "progress". I started keeping track of positives in our relationship but I failed to keep track of why they are happening. In July, after I last wrote some interesting things happened. She told me she loved me for the first time since January. She sent me a text to share some fun she was having. She bought me craft beers a couple of times to show she was thinking of me. She talked about buying a boat (high end ski boat) together, and a lake house. We went on vacation and she was consistently finding me to come be near me.
One night I asked her if she wanted a good night kiss because she had kind of leaned over towards me and she said yes. That was the first time this year. Every night since then we've given each other a kiss night. One night as we were going to sleep she said "I love you." And a week ago I asked her if she wanted to cuddle as we went to sleep and she said yes. It was the first time since last September that we had done that.
We haven't talked more about our relationship since July 2nd when she last implied she wanted a divorce still. It looks like I've made a lot of progress.
This past week she was on my case pretty good about a couple of things and it really grinded me down. I'm just struggling to stay in the fight. I'm struggling to see the point. I feel like I'm only in it for the kids - shes beaten me down to a point where I am not feeling that loving feeling anymore.
I feel like I'm stuck in a place and I can't do anything about it. I don't feel like I can make it better, at least in a time frame that I can deal with. I mean, how many more years of this do i have to live and the outcome could still be divorce. And if we save the marriage, what kind of a marriage will it be? I would accept her back lovingly if she ever said she was sorry or expressed appreciation for me holding us together, but she is so full of pride, I can't imagine her saying that.
I feel like I do more than my fair share around the house considering I also work full time. She is at home with the kids and considers that alone her job, and then we split all the household duties. That just doesn't feel very fair to me. They are old enough they basically take care of themselves.
Of all the people that know my situation 3 are still trying to encourage me and one of the three I pay to tell me to stick it out.
Why did I type this? I needed to vent. I'm so exhausted. I just can't express that enough. I am so worn out.
