Separated 11 wks, WAH wants to reconcile (part 4)

[Pommy99]

Pommy,

I am really sorry you are having a setback.

If I remember your story correctly your sitch changed when your H thought you were interested in another guy? Then you moved him back in quickly and jumped right back into a relationship.

I post on here often the reconciliation musts in my opinion.

If you engage in a relationship with him again it should only be under the conditions that:

1) He sees you as someone of extremely high value
2) He views a relationship with you as something much better than a life with someone else or a life alone
3) He's willing to work to win you

Without those three things, he's going to walk again down the line, because he really doesn't have the motivation to work with you to change anything, your relationship will keep seeking the same equilibrium it has had because of how your personalities and issues come together.

Once the threat of the OM is gone he no longer has to work for you. Sometimes things have to get worse before they can get better and that sometimes means a lengthy separation.

LH, thanks for your reply. I thought I had been taking things reasonably slowly but perhaps this has all moved too fast, he's got me where he wants me. He had asked early on in the recon if he could come away with me and the children to a holiday cottage that I had booked. It was 6 weeks away and I said "let's work towards that and see where we are". He did end up coming with us, because I thought it would be good for all of us to spend time as a family. He mentioned several times in the early weeks about moving back home, but I kept the brakes on, I told him I needed to feel that he was really into me, that this time it was for keeps. He was staying at home regularly but hadnt moved back. After about 8 weeks we agreed that he would tell his rental agency that he wasnt going to renew his lease in mid Sept. He is staying here full time and has moved a lot of his stuff back, but he still has the rental for another month, and as yet, it hasnt been re-let. I honestly dont know whether to ask him to leave and go back to his rental, or to have him at home while we see what MC has to offer. He is being incredibly affectionate, I've had more ILYs in 72 hours than I probably had in the last 2 months. He has said so many times he wants to try, and that before (i.e. last year) he didnt want MC but now he does. This is all so positive, and yet all I can see is last year on repeat, where he is asking for more time. He asked this in August (and November, and January). And all that got me last time was a heap of lies and deceit while he carried on his cake-eating and EA, and ultimately he walked 7 months later.

I dont know if I can give him more time. I do actually feel more in control than I realsied and I feel that I could cope if I asked him to leave now, whereas if I leave everything in his hands again, I'm going to be a complete mess the longer this limbo goes on. I realise now that if he is in contact with EAP I will kick him out in a heartbeat. No excuses this time.

He thought he may lose you and he was attracted to you again. Now he knows he has you and there is no fear in losing you. The person who cares the least is the one in control of the relationship.

Reconciliation requires a level playing field, an even starting line. BOTH of you need to be willing to walk and to believe the other one will leave. That makes you something worth having.

This is why I'm wondering if asking him to go back to his rental is a good idea - that he can see I'm not prepared to operate under these terms any more, and if he cant be a proper husband I dont want him here. On the other hand, he seems willing to cooperate and try and fix the problems. inwhich case, should we be doing this under the same roof? i think I will see what comes out of today's MC and if that makes things any clearer.