The watery facsimile made me smile Dilly. Thank you. I needed a laugh that day.
And I think you are right. I am vibrant and I am beautiful and I am successful - note I have my faults, hubris being on top of that list Perhaps after all these years his insecurities got the better of him. Perhaps he felt that once he'd reached the pinnacle of his profession I would be more deferring. I would be more in awe of him. But that's not my way. So, he pushed me down. Found fault and became dismissive of my successes and resentful of the fact that those successes came with little apparent effort. Little insults. Little jabs. And when that didn't work, bigger insults, harder jabs designed to make me feel insecure and pull me into fights. Unconsciously laying the foundations for "this is not working". He could never articulate his feelings because he would never admit to being insecure around me. But the irony is, I didn't even know I was any of those things because no-one had ever brought into question my sense of self. My sense of self was grounded in my family. In him. Not my job, or my friends or my appearance. If not happy, I was definitely content. And unfortunately, contentment breeds complacency.
Anyway, that's my random stream of unconsciousness for the day.
So, my girls have been gone since Saturday. He was served Friday and has yet to mention it. I saw him in person twice (friday and saturday) and have exchanged messages (about the girls) a number of times since they went away. Mainly "Is it OK to call now?" "Yes, they have just finished dinner".
I went on a date Saturday night which went really well and I woke up in someone else's bed. It felt strange waking up with someone wrapped around me. He held me so tight I felt a little suffocated. I made a hasty exit and then spent the day sleeping and wondering WTF is wrong with me. He was nice. His apartment was nice (great collection of books, good toiletries, records and he had plants !!!). But I still ran. I did write to say I was sorry for running off and he responded that it was OK and we would catch up after my trip from Croatia. Oh, and for the record, he is 34 and really fit. I had another date booked for Sunday but I cancelled - that's the fourth date I've cancelled in two weeks. I wonder if there is now something fundamentally broken in me now ...
Perhaps after all these years his insecurities got the better of him. Perhaps he felt that once he'd reached the pinnacle of his profession I would be more deferring. I would be more in awe of him. But that's not my way. So, he pushed me down. Found fault and became dismissive of my successes and resentful of the fact that those successes came with little apparent effort. Little insults. Little jabs. And when that didn't work, bigger insults, harder jabs designed to make me feel insecure and pull me into fights. Unconsciously laying the foundations for "this is not working". He could never articulate his feelings because he would never admit to being insecure around me. But the irony is, I didn't even know I was any of those things because no-one had ever brought into question my sense of self. My sense of self was grounded in my family. In him. Not my job, or my friends or my appearance. If not happy, I was definitely content. And unfortunately, contentment breeds complacency.