That didn’t take long. This morning I got a text with a new proposal for a custody schedule. This is super frustrating, as we had a whole round of that last week that went pretty well, and that I left thinking that we had basically come to an agreement. Now he’s coming back with something different. This happens each time we discuss it; I leave the conversation feeling like we’ve come to an agreement and then the next Monday he comes back with something new. He asked if we could discuss this tomorrow night. I replied yes, but after thinking about it, I don’t think a face to face discussion about this is needed or a good idea. This topic is the hardest, most emotionally difficult and triggering part of all of this for me. I don’t think it is possible for me to have that conversation without getting emotional, and I just don’t want to do that with him. I’m thinking that I will text him my response to his proposal, and make it clear that I’m a willing participant in this discussion, but that text is working fine for me and I don’t want to sit down and talk. Thoughts and/or advice?
After those texts, he texted hi and have a good day to D5. It felt very loaded and like a test. Gross. I just responded “I’ll tell her you said hi” and he responded “thank you so much!!” It was so unnatural and unlike him and artificial feeling. Left a gross feeling.
FS, I keep hearing your words in my head: I will not fight against this tide. Thinking about a schedule with my daughter and consistent nights of not being with her triggers fear, anxiety sadness and pain to a degree that is unbearable for me. I would literally do anything to avoid this being a part of my life and my daughters life. But I have done all I can, and I can not control this tidal wave. Fighting against it will do me and my daughter no good. I’m reaching way down deep to find a strength and a calm to hold on to while I face this head on. For so long I fought to avoid this and put it off in hopes that things would turn around before it got to this point. The hope for that is gone and I accept that my daughter and I are better served by getting this figured out and having that checked off the list. At this point, I need to have this part behind me. It doesn’t feel survivable, yet I know I will not die.
It’s just too much for me. It’s so so so painful. I’m really trying to be strong.
