Separated 11 wks, WAH wants to reconcile (part 4)

[Pommy99]

I think it could take a long time for him to "rediscover" those in-love feelings, particularly if emotionally it got a little hot and heavy and maybe even scary for him during your S with the AP. I think it is normal to take some time. I also think that possibly the regular sex when you got back together could be part of the so-called 'hysterical bonding' thing and doesn't mean it will last-- think that comes and goes and then eventually you guys will need to re-establish the long-term emotional/physical intimacy. This also happened with my H where we had a lot of sex during the recommitting time and then fairly regularly in the spring, and then he said later it didn't feel like the staring into each others eyes ML that he was looking for (and presumably that he'd had with AP). In your case if it didn't get physical the imagination could be even harder to deal with for him than the real thing. Esther Perel talks about the stolen glances, little touches being more erotic than actual sex when it is forbidden, etc... so that could be part of it. He is imagining this head over heels fantasy that no spouse could ever fulfill. He has to get past that.

We spoke about EAP this morning. He is definitely not over her. She fulfilled something deeply emotional it seems - he made reference to the fact that even though it wasnt sexual, it was still a connection. I said I totally get that, and also acknowledge that often a EA is much more dificult to get over than a PA, and his had been going on for over a year, and he agreed that it is because of the lenght of the "friendship" it was hard and he felt guilty about hurting her. Unfortunately I did lash out a little and snapped that she has her own husband and her own marriage, perhaps she should be focusing on that anyway. In his favour however, he said his loyalty to me was far stronger than his loyalty to her, and that's why he broke contact, and why he wanted to come back.

I imagine this is going to be two steps forward, one step back for a long long time. My guess is that he's getting scared, feels like he is trying and it isn't happening and OMG DOES THIS MEAN HE WON'T EVER FEEL LIKE THAT AGAIN WHAT SHOULD HE DO!??!? he has got to chill and realize this is a marathon, not a sprint. (just like we do also.) I wonder if going off his ADs completely also might have something to do with it.

It is ALL about the missing sexual connection, but not just that, he said missing emotional connection - he doesnt feel emotional about having sex with me and he doesnt understand if that is normal or not, and he is hoping therapy can help him here. I did try and explain what I know and that recovering from an A of any kind you will have had feelings for your AP that you probably hadn't felt for your spouse for a long time, and it will take time to rediscover those feelings. That you may have experienced excitement, limerance, lust, etc and after 18 years with me probably wouldnt go through those same feelings. (That said, I do feel deeply emotional about sex with him, whereas he says he feels empty of emotion. He can lie in bed with me and feel this huge affection, but nothing more.)

As you know my H made a similar decision to stay and then three months in freaked out and reached back out to AP. I think my situation has some real differences, since AP was reaching out to him too, she is unmarried and thought he was going to leave me for her, etc etc., they had had a long PA and he has a huge amount of guilt etc. that he felt like he didn't really need to face if he left me that now he gets to deal with. And my H got scared that the in love feelings didn't come back in the three months of "trying". (never mind that he was still tracking her on find my friends and as far as I can tell made no significant effort to get her out of his head.) My guess is this is going to take a lot longer than three months and your H has got to be able to hang in there for the long term and stop freaking himself out if those feelings don't just pop back up in a couple of months.

I mentioned marathon not a sprint, that it might be two steps forward, one step back, that we might have times when we doubt and get scared, or feel hopeless. EAP is married but no kids. I'm sure I would feel more reassured that she wouldnt leave her H for mine if she had a family of her own. And I'm not actually sure H would have gone down that road with someone who had kids. I think part of the attraction for him is her ability to live a fun-filled life, rather than having motherly duties every evening/weekend. I have explained to him that although he has gone NC, by not blocking her on every channel, he is not protecting himself or the M if she reaches out. He already told me he couldnt ignore her if she reached out, and said he'd be polite but not encourage further contact. I said what if she says "hey I've missed you" or "hey, me and H have split up" - you'll be in a complete tailspin. I said I also dont want a repeat of the taxi saga (we were in a taxi on our way to the airport at Xmas for a weekend away together when she started sending texts to him at 7am asking why he hadnt contacted her, and how hurt she was. He tried to hide his phone from me - I yelled at the taxi driver to turn round and take me home! He reluctantly showed me the text, he didnt reply to it, but then the texts kept coming in. It really upset me, and in hindsight I wish I hadnt got on the plane with him.) So he has said he will block her. I havent pushed this further but will perhaps raise it with the MC tomorrow. I know that it wont stop him contacting her if he really wants to, but it might stop contact from the other direction. He went out this morning for an hour and I could see he was on Whatsapp when he had actually told me he was in the car on the way back. I basically accused him of contacting her. I felt so paranoid, I was shaking at the time. He explained he was stopped in a traffic jam...

I said to him if he is in touch with her, he is free to leave and that I'm not going to be part of any love triangle. He just OK, understood. We talked about the MC - I asked if he was going into this with a commitment to try and rebuild or that he didnt know still what he wanted. He said he wants to be committed to rebuilding but sometimes doesnt know if it's possible.

I'm so far off detachment and DBing. I cant keep my mouth shut, and keep asking questions and raising stuff about EAP, showing him I dont trust hm etc. All it's doing is making him feel more guilt about how much he's hurting me.