For how to behave with H, be cordial and kind. This advice is first and foremost for you, the most important person in your situation. And, as a bonus, it gives you the best chance at a future R.
If you consider your future. How you want to be. The person you want to become when all this is in the past. I suspect vindictive, vengeful, angry, hurt, sad, etc. are not the goals - so steer clear of those paths.
Set you goals high and lofty. Compassionate, empathetic, understanding, forgiving, accepting. Walk the path towards those. Be cordial and kind.
That does not mean to be a doormat and get all walked over and treated poorly. You have value and worth. Set boundaries on disrespectful behaviour towards you, and stick to them. Note, that is behaviour directed at you, not his behaviour in general.
Originally Posted by Sage4
He wants to be friends (ie birthday party, hug me when he comes to drop the kids off, chit chat) but my line in the sand is that I am not friends with someone who treats me the way he does, and he knows the path back to 'friendship' but cannot do it.
Originally Posted by Sage4
I have unequivocally stated that it’s me or a friendship with EA/OW.
For right now H cannot choose. Your line in the sand is a lot of pressure to him and his addled mind, and if pushed he will bolt. I would stop stating it. You have let him know your stance, and he has heard it. Remember the blow up when this topic was brought up during the latest mini-reconnect.
You don’t need to be friends with him. Just cordial and kind. Treat him like you do the cashier at the grocery store. Nice small talk and friendly. Steer clear of any R talks like as if they were the plague.
Remember he is in crisis. The OW is nothing more than a band-aid. A distraction. She is married for goodness sakes. She is not emotionally stable. You, my dear Sage, are the prize. Do not ever sell yourself short.
Their relationship is built upon lies and deceit. She is as mixed up, or worse, than H. These MLCers usually do find an affair partner that is emotionally worse than them. Someone for them to save. Their relationship’s foundation is like sand, it will crumble. Stay clear of it, you don’t want the responsibility for this outcome either. Let fate end it.
When H comes over for a hug - “no thanks”. And walk away. If he asks or pushes, then tell him. “You’re with OW, and I’m not plan B.”
Say nothing about friendship or his general behaviour. No blaming, or judging. Just your own view and stance. You are protecting yourself and at the same time being a safe place for him to land. That way it’s up to him. You are just focusing on yourself and living life.
Originally Posted by Sage4
But he is taking this as rejection and being cold to me, which I have mirrored (although he might argue that it is the other way around... either way we are mirroring each other's pain with rejection).
A few things.
Boundaries need to be stated, at least once. You’re with OW, and I’m not plan B - should let him know where you stand and that his behaviour garners a known reaction.
Let him take this how ever he does. If he feels rejected, so be it. Boundaries are for you.
The mirroring each other’s pain. You control you. Do not let his behaviour dictate your behaviour. Cordial and kind and go about your day.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
