Piecing Myself and Not My Marriage

[may22]

Hi Alison,

Just to say... if you don't want to be married to him anymore, you don't have to be. You've been at this a long time and done a lot of work on your side and he has not shown the capacity to do similar work. I think if you decide you want to keep at it, for whatever reasons, the communication thing is probably essential. But people only change if they have desire and motivation and the strength to do so... so far your H hasn't shown that. I'm not sure that he knows, exactly, what it is he would need to do-- I guess that has been my take on the situation, that he's a little clueless and trapped in his own miseries and unable to take a step back and see how his behavior affects you, number one, and then understand (number two) what changes he'd have to make to be a better partner to you. I don't know that he doesn't want that. But I would guess he has no idea how to do it or why. And maybe it is too much work for you to try to get that across to him with no guarantee he will be able to understand or make the necessary changes.

Tiny 2x4 on the EA... I think you need (if this is the way you want to go) to let go of the fact that he had the ability to pursue his EAP and show her affection, or what not. That was a total fantasy and he behaved accordingly. You are real life and it is a completely different animal. I don't think you can or should compare his behaviors during the EA to his EAP to how he engages with you. Yes, it does show it is *possible* for him to act like that... but in a total fantasy world. Maybe he can bring that part of himself to your M, eventually, with work... and maybe that is what is both making you frustrated and keeping you there? Can you tell him you want that side of him? Do you want to?

In the long term, though, what you are describing... STFUing and finding GAL outside of your M is not what you want or deserve. And you shouldn't feel badly if you decide you've had enough and it is time to give yourself the opportunity to find someone with whom you can have a R without so much work.

HUGS and thinking of you. xoxo