Separated 11 wks, WAH wants to reconcile (part 4)

[may22]

Hi Pommy,

UGH. I'm so sorry. This back and forth is ridiculous and unfair and I think if you want to throw the towel in you are 100% OK to do so.

A few thoughts if not...

I think it could take a long time for him to "rediscover" those in-love feelings, particularly if emotionally it got a little hot and heavy and maybe even scary for him during your S with the AP. I think it is normal to take some time. I also think that possibly the regular sex when you got back together could be part of the so-called 'hysterical bonding' thing and doesn't mean it will last-- think that comes and goes and then eventually you guys will need to re-establish the long-term emotional/physical intimacy. This also happened with my H where we had a lot of sex during the recommitting time and then fairly regularly in the spring, and then he said later it didn't feel like the staring into each others eyes ML that he was looking for (and presumably that he'd had with AP). In your case if it didn't get physical the imagination could be even harder to deal with for him than the real thing. Esther Perel talks about the stolen glances, little touches being more erotic than actual sex when it is forbidden, etc... so that could be part of it. He is imagining this head over heels fantasy that no spouse could ever fulfill. He has to get past that.

I imagine this is going to be two steps forward, one step back for a long long time. My guess is that he's getting scared, feels like he is trying and it isn't happening and OMG DOES THIS MEAN HE WON'T EVER FEEL LIKE THAT AGAIN WHAT SHOULD HE DO!??!? he has got to chill and realize this is a marathon, not a sprint. (just like we do also.) I wonder if going off his ADs completely also might have something to do with it.

As you know my H made a similar decision to stay and then three months in freaked out and reached back out to AP. I think my situation has some real differences, since AP was reaching out to him too, she is unmarried and thought he was going to leave me for her, etc etc., they had had a long PA and he has a huge amount of guilt etc. that he felt like he didn't really need to face if he left me that now he gets to deal with. And my H got scared that the in love feelings didn't come back in the three months of "trying". (never mind that he was still tracking her on find my friends and as far as I can tell made no significant effort to get her out of his head.) My guess is this is going to take a lot longer than three months and your H has got to be able to hang in there for the long term and stop freaking himself out if those feelings don't just pop back up in a couple of months.

All that being said.... can you look at this as his problem, not yours? That he is the one who is having issues, not you, and he will either address them or not? I wonder if you could detach that way-- seeing this as his problem, not yours-- you are an incredible and desirable woman, he is very lucky to have you, and if he can't figure that out-- feels like that is his problem, not yours.

HUGS, Pommy. Glad you are sitting in your garden with a glass of wine. I think you can't go wrong if you continue to focus on yourself and do your very best to not let his problems affect you. Of course they do as he is your H and the father of your children, but remember... you can decide whether or not you want him. YOU are in charge here. xoxo