Hi Sage, all I can suggest is to act on principle, not emotion. Act in a way that allows you to sleep peacefully at night. If that means limiting contact, and H finds you cold and distant, then so be it. If civility is all you can manage, honour that instinct. Don't act some kind of way on his accord. Decide who you are, and act on your accord.
She is clothed in strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future. - Proverbs 31:25.
^This is you.
No matter what DB or any other marriage recovery program tells us, we cannot influence a spouse who is determined to leave us for someone else. Nothing you say or do matters any more. You could be freaking Beyonce and it would not make a lick of difference. A spouse in an active affair is on another planet. The OW is Beyonce x1000 in their eyes.
(Beyonce's husband cheated on her, btw, which says a lot about the nature of cheaters. Chump Lady is a great resource for learning more about this topic).
I vote for exposing the A as a general rule, not to be vindictive or prescriptive, but because it's the truth. If being truthful is one of your core principles, then the nagging feeling that you should tell OW's husband will never go away, because keeping the secret goes against your principles. I ran into a similar dilemma with my ex-ILs. I sat with the emotions for many months before I ended up writing them a letter about X's affair. It tanked our relationship but it was the right thing to do.
You must be okay with any possible outcome. That is the true test of acting on principle rather than emotion.
"If nothing we do matters, then all that matters is what we do."
PS. you will probably find the MLC forum rather more philosophical than Newcomers, haha.
