DnJ, you are such a wise soul and a blessing to this forum. My heart breaks for what your children and you have endured, but I think they are so fortunate to have such an amazing Dad and it sounds like they are thriving human beings despite their trauma. Your ability to eclipse your own trauma and spread love, wisdom and compassion across the world vis-a-vis this forum is an inspiration.
Thank you for responding to my thread. I have read so many of your posts and have learned so much from you already, even if not directly spoken to me.
Everything you wrote above resonates with me (H is a boomerang type and a wallower). A lot of what you wrote is new to me and gives me a much better perspective, so thank you. Although I know that one can't 'diagnose' an MLCer, learning, knowledge and information are the ingredients that help me to become the best version of myself, particularly in these challenging times.
I 100% agree that he needs the space to fix this on his own, I am only in the way and I want to give him that space for my own protection as much as his. I am relieved he has moved out if I am honest. I also need the time and space to figure out my own path to healing.
However I am struggling with how to behave with H. He wants to be friends (ie birthday party, hug me when he comes to drop the kids off, chit chat) but my line in the sand is that I am not friends with someone who treats me the way he does, and he knows the path back to 'friendship' but cannot do it. Which is totally fine, I accept that he is unable to behave like every other friend I have in my life. So I said no about the birthday party, danced my way out of the hug and have been trying to keep conversations short. But he is taking this as rejection and being cold to me, which I have mirrored (although he might argue that it is the other way around... either way we are mirroring each other's pain with rejection).
What do I do here? Should I be happy and upbeat and act as if I don't care? Fake it? Be friendly but firm?
