Cardinal, let me be the millionth person to say that it doesn't feel this way right now, but YOU WILL BE FINE. I would even guess that a couple of years from now you will be better than fine, you will be THRIVING. I know it is so, so, so, so hard right now, but if you can let yourself think that for even 2 seconds each day, it will eventually bring you a level of comfort.
You and I share the spewing Hs, rewritten histories and memories of a better M. Can I give you permission to let go of your need to cling to your memories and the better H you married? DnJ put it perfectly that there will be a period of time when that no longer serves you, but it doesn't mean it is lost forever. I am literally inches ahead of you in this whole process, so am not speaking from a place of great authority, but once I was able to let go of my perfect M to a wonderful H, I have been able to detach much more than I ever thought possible in a short amount of time. In fact, recognizing that H is really NOT a good person right now and definitely NOT someone I would want to be with right now has been paramount to me surviving the past 10 days. And I feel stronger for it.
I know the memories will not go away completely and I have memorabilia such as letters and photos that confirm my understanding of our marriage (not to mention 4 living beings that were products of our love). I can always go back and relive those memories whenever I want. In the meantime, I need to use this fuel to truly let go. Maybe you do too.
Regarding L's: trust your gut and find someone you want on your team, whom you trust inherently. Keep searching until you find that person. Even if they are not on the list of recommendations that you have.
I have some thoughts on your last paragraph:
Originally Posted by cardinal
I think this is also a big fear of mine, and, yeah, it's typical of the sitches on this site for the D to drag on, isn't it? Maybe that's also why I am feeling pressure to do something.
Can I kindly ask if the pressure is based on emotions and not practicalities? Because if I remember right in your sitch, staying M means that you have health insurance, a certain level of financial security and get to stay in the house. Can you focus on those things that you are gaining at the moment by the D moving slowly?
Originally Posted by cardinal
I want to hold onto my old memories and focus on my new life without H. I know that I can still strive to do this while living with alien H, but it's not the same, is it? Seeing him like this is affecting how I feel about old H.
Doing it while living with H is going to be very, very hard but there are practical benefits at the moment. You can do it. Again, back to my suggestion of not projecting fears into your current moment: you will not lose those good memories.
Originally Posted by cardinal
I know I will be mentally and physically healthier on my own.
Yes, you will!! But the trade offs at the moment (staying in your house long-term, current health insurance, current financial stability) mean you have to put up with living with H for the time being. Think: this really, really svcks now, but once it is over I am going to be better than fine.
Hugs Cardinal, thanks for your wise words on my threads over the months..
