It does sound like your H fits the MLCer behaviour. There is no diagnostic tool that can give you an exact answer, however there are some hallmarks that MLC tends to have. Confusion, back and forth behaviour, reliving their past, and so on.
Your H certainly is confused. His periodic leaving and returning to you; at one point it was every 6 weeks if I recall. Is that still ongoing?
Confused and irrational behaviour from a spouse is pretty standard stuff on this board. H wanting and waiting to be invited to your upcoming birthday fits right in. You did tell him no, right?
Focus on you, is very important. You must continue to focus upon yourself while moving forward. A MLCer’s changing behaviour will drive you bonkers if you don’t detach.
MLCer’s come in three flavours or types. The vanisher, like my XW, they take off and you barely ever hear from them. The clinger, they just stick like static socks from the dryer. And the boomerang, like your H, I’m leaving, I’m back, repeat.
Usually they remain as one certain type.
The next thing is severity, speed, how hot they burn, how fast they run. High energy or wallow. Both still exhibit running behaviours. A MLCer who tends to the wallowing end of the spectrum may take longer to pull the trigger on something or seem to remain stuck in a behaviour. A high energy MLCer, like my XW, may jump quick at decisions to try to alleviate their torment. My XW, for example, dropped the bomb, dumped the kids, and moved in with OM - all after Thanksgiving supper. In two months we were legally separated. She is a bit rare, mind you.
The MLCer, no matter the type, is depressed. They have suffered some trauma, long before you ever new them. Back in childhood or teenage years, from a person in a position of authority. This trauma was far too much for them and they buried it. Emotions buried will haunt you, later.
Of course, you, and they, didn’t know about this long buried and forgotten trauma. Around midlife, as the pressures of mortality, work, family, and life build, this long ago pain remains silent no longer. It rises up within them. They have no idea what is happening to them. My XW, after BD, told me she thought she was going crazy. Their descent into darkness usually takes 18-24 months. An event triggers this deep stirring of unrecognized, unrealized, unaccounted for pain.
Their pain and torment is ceaseless. Their emotions are cranked to 11. They completely become the opposite of who they once were. With constant emotional pressure, destruction seems to the to be their only way out. They destroy their life and anyone and anything that gets in their way.
You, their loving spouse gets the blast. You see the MLCer cannot handle any more. They absolutely cannot. Their pain and torment, for their psyche, has to be from external, it cannot be from within. So they incorrectly conclude that the LBS must be the source of the utter unhappiness. And they will project, justify, argue, bait you into a fight, lie, manipulate, and anything else to ensure they feel right.
Give H time and space. And lots of it. Without reactions from you, H slowly realizes that you aren’t “bugging” him BUT he is still unhappy, and therefore you cannot be the cause. Hopefully he then looks inward.
MLC is an emotional train wreck. People in crisis are driven by emotions, irrational emotions. They will be but a few rational actions and decisions from H. There will be plenty of irrational and emotional ones. Emotions change quickly, as will H’s course.
Focus upon you.
MLC is horrible. I would not wish this upon anyone. These lost souls are truly suffering. Just imagine what it would take for a Mom to throw away her own children. They lose their empathy. They can’t handle their own feelings, never mind anyone else’s.
They run from their pain. They turn to all kinds of vices in futile attempts to dull the constant pressure and emotional torment. Affairs are staggeringly common. Wasteful spending, drugs, alcohol, high risk behaviours, etc. All to try to regain the youth they feel was lost.
Focus on you.
This is not a hopeless venture. It is a long one though. This is not a sprint, it is a marathon - pace yourself.
You have the gift of time, use it wisely and use it well.
Ask anything you like. There are many compassionate and caring people here with much hard earned wisdom.
You are not alone. You are among friends.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
