Is this all making some kind of sense? I think H bringing up filing and how we can come to an agreement ourselves set me spinning and pushed me to take action: I asked for financial docs and he freaked out, threatened to leave me with nothing, so I started consulting L again. I'm feeling all kinds of pressure and I can't quite tell if it's coming from the need to do something or the illusion that I need to do something.
Originally Posted by cardinal
I think this is also a big fear of mine, and, yeah, it's typical of the sitches on this site for the D to drag on, isn't it? Maybe that's also why I am feeling pressure to do something. I don't want to be stuck with alien H any longer than I have to at this point. I want to hold onto my old memories and focus on my new life without H. I know that I can still strive to do this while living with alien H, but it's not the same, is it? Seeing him like this is affecting how I feel about old H. I know I will be mentally and physically healthier on my own. But: I can't control whether he chooses to stay in this house. I choose not to leave because it would hurt me financially in the present and future, and, yes, there are the pets here I couldn't take with me.
Hi Cardinal,
I can not echo enough what Dnj has said. He wrote a long post on my thread about the very same thing as my H leaped right into this L process early on. Yet as you know here I sit without even a SA basically 1 year in.
You are also fully correct in that it is a lot for our jumbled minds and hearts to process. I’m going to sound like a big girl here but I’m fully aware I’m channeling Dnj and others....we have to drop the rope even more. How do we do this when we feel threatened, scared and unclear of our path. FOCUS on what matters and what we CAN do. (I’m fully aware this only gets us so far....but it does help)
I like how you said in your last paragraph “I can’t control whether he chooses to stay....” EXACTLY we have zero control or influence over our H’s decisions or behaviours...BUT your next sentence says “I CHOOSE NOT TO LEAVE...” that right there IS you doing something. You choosing to go see L’s IS you doing something. You bettering yourself financially with your upcoming teaching job IS you doing something. It just seems small and slow.
I remember reading and rereading Dnj’s words about this exact topic (thank ya!!!) and something clicked with me. I realized that I’m a fixer, a person of action and usually logic. I get poop done! This MLC is a slow moving train that never runs on time, sometimes I don’t even think it’s travelling on the tracks (I digress...as I could have fun with this) My point being, H’s actions are slow and confused, but we naturally want to react fast and rational. It doesn’t mix well. When I got my answers from L (whether favourable or not) it gave me options, info and a small path to start walking. Walking NOT running....sometimes crawling.
H’s spewing and threats 100% create fear. I find the times I can recognize that fear forming, I refocus on what I can do to stop it and usually it’s get educated about something or IGNORE him. At the beginning of this I hid. I didn’t want to know anything. I didn’t want to think about paying a L, losing the house, moving, half-ing my assets, my pension (he doesn’t have one) and all the other things that go with this that creates instability. I know all situations are different but he got a L day 5 after BD ...I was harassed horribly to “get a lawyer” by him AND his mom. I was sick, scared and almost in the hospital from that 4 letter word ...fear. This has continued for basically 365 days at this point...asking for my F docs, asking what my L is doing, emails accusing me of holding things up and guess what...nothing has happened. He wants this...in my opinion it’s up to him to see it thru...I’m not leaving either (yet anyway). My L has all of my info ...his L has asked mine 3 times to exchange docs and then disappears, so mine just patiently stands by as per my instructions. I too constantly feel like I should be doing something or doing more. I have to remind myself I have done something, I’ve done lots of somethings. This is his MLC ...I’m a gal trying to get back up on my 2 feet the best way I know how. There’s no handbook for this ...just these wonderful people and friends here.
In my opinion, and a veteran can correct if I’m not accurate...don’t ask him for anything! Let him do the lifting especially if you’ve chosen to stay. His threats and words make it seem like he wants to push things alone but his actions speak volumes whether it’s confusion or not really wanting to go. I think this comes back to them feeling pressure. Mine yells “I’m not living in the basement anymore” ...yet there he is with enough money to go at any time. I think he spews when someone gets in his head or when I question him or unintentionally provoke him in some way. Best way to not do this is to ignore ignore ignore.
Which brings me to my last point for which I am 10000% on the same page as you right now...and will write this on my own thread as well.... Alien H affecting memories of old H, Mentally and physically healthier being on our own and how much longer can I live like this....I sometimes feel like what’s the point. Why am I hanging onto this, staying here, holding on for what? I don’t want to go but I’m tired of coming home to this ....I don’t know how to detach further when His behaviour and actions are constantly in our face.
You are ok Cardinal, keep gathering your info and doing your best to get yourself in a safe financial position. Is there anyway you can get half of what remains in your joint account now and start your own account ASAP? As we’ve read on here they are not good with money. Keep records of everything ...write it down and date it....if he’s spent and paid personal bills after your separation date you are definitely entitled to half of that back....my H is angry currently because my L is making him do 2 FA one for his proposed separation date and a 5 month after one for my proposed date ...he earned and spent like crazy as soon as HE set a S date...my L saw right through that.
Find someone that will work for you. I too was confused about exchanging F docs....I highly recommend you don’t get it yourself from H ...he’s already proven untrustworthy and the numbers prob won’t be accurate. My H flat out lied and omitted major assets.
I would focus on: - finding a lawyer you know will work for you and that understands the “unique timeline “ of your sitch, you don’t care if they understand how you’re being treated ...they are all business and usually don’t care for “he said she said” -if you haven’t already, get a blank copy of the FD document and fill yours out ...do as much as you can do to prep yourself....1. It’s empowering and 2. It will cost you less if the L doesn’t have to do it - jot down any unique situations to discuss with L like the cars and your current financial situation (Joint account) and ask what you can do to protect yourself. - get your own CC now if you don’t have one and only buy what you can afford ...don’t make a mess for yourself -get your name off any joint CC’s as soon as possible
That’s all I can think of for now. Sorry for the long reply. I feel for you as I was and am right where you are. I’m cheering for you and know you’ve got this!! WE are the focus not the alien we currently live with.
(I digress...as I could have fun with this) 
