Separated 11 wks, WAH wants to reconcile (part 4)

[Pommy99]

Kitcat, May, Caligirl thank you for your replies and sorry I have not acknowledged them. I had tried not to overthink everything and when I did attempt to write a response it just triggered more negative energies in me.

So we have had a major setback in reconciliation (10 weeks in). H had been a model example of a husband for the first 7 weeks. I did recognise that we were in a bit of a honeymoon phase and was wary of that, and had kept the brakes on a bit in terms of him moving back home. This last couple of weeks I’ve felt him distancing himself again and he has admitted he has felt very down at times, but had realised continued lockdown measure played a part in his feelings of isolation. However, I had been asking for reassurances that he still wanted to work things out as the ILY had stopped and he was showing little interest in intimacy. Twice I said I needed to hear that he wanted to be in this and twice I simply got silence or ‘ok’, with no follow up. I had asked him if he would go to MC and he agreed we should do that . We start next week. He has this weekend admitted that he is still struggling to see me as anything more than his best friend, and that he loves me deeply but doesn’t feel any kind of sexual connection with me. To him it’s been ‘just sex’. (And he said I’m the one who has initiated it, not him, which I wouldn’t say is true, but anyway). I’m so hurt by this and I feel we’ve gone full circle , back to where we were 18 months ago. The same conversations, the same tears, the same confusion.

Now for more revelations about EAP. I told H that i was struggling to let go of some things and if he had lied to me about anything then every time he looked me in the eyes for the rest of his life, he would know that he is still lying to me. He said there had been no PA, no kissing, nothing more than hugs. HOWEVER, he admitted that after we separated and went into lockdown, things between him and EAP started to develop more (but this was only a long distance thing as she lives 200 miles away). He said after 3-4 weeks he put a stop to it and broke contact because it just didn’t feel right, he had too much of a pull to me still, and he didn’t want to be in a position of starting a relationship with her, and me believing that something had been going on all along. He now says he hasn’t been in touch with her for nearly 4 months. But I am still heavily bothered by her. I asked him if he still had feelings for her and he said IDK. I honestly don’t know what is going on. He says she hasn’t contacted him. When he first came back he told me it was a friendship that had fizzled out; now it sounds like it was about to be a raging inferno and he pulled the plug.

All weekend H has been saying he wants to do the MC, he has told me several times that he wants to work things out, he wants to try, is committed to trying. He says breaking contact with EAP was his commitment to me. But right now, again, he still doesn’t feel anything sexual towards me. He says it makes him feel so depressed that he’s hurting me like this, feels there is something missing still. He says he can’t control his feelings, that depression consumes you. And that he feels unhappy. But that he also loves me so deeply and can’t imagine life without me. And he said when he came back he really genuinely felt that he wanted to grow old with me, and that we would be lovers again. Now he isn’t sure if this is possible.

I have stood for this marriage for 18 months, I’m ready to throw in the towel, even though my heart is breaking. But with MC starting in 2 days, I guess I would be foolish to not give it a go? When I think that this is about EAP I want him to leave; when I think that he is struggling with depression and genuinely does love me, I want him to stay.

I’m so frightened of going back through the pain of breakup all over again, knowing that this time it would be forever. I just feel in despair. What is going on with him? Is it common in reconciliation to be filled with doubt? Can we ever get that connection back - we were having these same conversations 18 months ago?