Continue gathering information and further understanding about what your rights are and where you stand. No need to push further than that, for now.
I do get how sickening that feels. You know different; it just takes time for one’s emotions to catch up.
H’s spewing, behaviour, and words do seem to seep in, don’t they? It takes time to find one’s way through that.
The fear - of more ugly H and more unwanted memories. Those are definitely future events which are irrationally tied to and triggering...what. Fear is the emotional feedback from that unrealized state which is triggered by these ideas/events. Uncouple them.
From my perspective you speak of spew from H, the muddling of memories, and taking on blame. I agree you do not need that echoing within your head. Realize you are the one creating the echo and the fear. This is good news, since you created them, you can also stop them.
Mental assertiveness. Let go cardinal. Place your focus upon yourself.
So how to uncouple? Rationalize these irrational feedback loops. See new H and let him be. Know his path is his path and has nothing to do with you. More ugly H - so what. What can he do? Really what else can he do? Nothing. Fear not.
Welcome your new memories. These are the steps of you becoming better. Do not fret over your old memories, they will not be lost. Let go and have faith. Become.
The roots of fear are deep and focused upon self. Hurt and pain are at the root of our fears, fed by our imagination.
One fears divorce because they will suffer loss. Loss of spouse, status, money, kids, possessions, etc. One imagines all the terrible scenarios of such a loss. The pain and hurt that could result, which is much exaggerated.
These feelings get triggered by those events (ugly H and such). We feel and therefore incorrectly tie the event to the painful feelings. The next time we consider that event, the same painful feelings arise. Soon we fear that event. One perceives a threat of pain and becomes paralyzed to act.
You can uncouple at three places. The event - tie it to another emotion. With that there is no feedback loop.
The feedback itself - see it and push through it. Realize the irrational feedback response and hold to your course regardless. After, you realize there was little to be afraid of.
The root - the source of all fears. Realizing and accepting our own imagination is the root of our pain, hurt, and therefore fear. Fearless.
This all takes time to accomplish. Utilize and work on all three depending upon what you face. The grail is of course accepting the root of your fear, for that will affect and change everything.
Fear is the belief of threat of pain or hurt.
Fearless sees how that belief is imagined by us. Sees how fear lives in the future and doesn’t actually exist. Fearless is not reckless, it recognizes concerns and danger and takes appropriate action.
Next available/best steps: You want to remain living where you are. It is good financially. Do that.
Let go your fear. Focus upon yourself.
Dial down the pressure upon yourself. You don’t need to do anything right now.
Utilize your gift of time.
Don’t fear. You are doing fine.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
