Fierce compassion, equanimity, integrity

[cardinal]

Kindly, kml, D, thank you so much for your support here! Kindly, did I mention this last L made a joke about domestic violence? I don't think I could go with him after that. I am hoping my second consult with the other L on Monday makes me feel better, because I'll have been through all the recommended Ls at that point.

Well bear in mind H cannot evict you so long as you keep your side of the street clean. So if you stay put he has no choice other than to stay living there with you or to move out himself. If he has an OW she will probably get tired of him living with his wife eventually.

Feelings aside for the moment, a recommended position when considering these business ideas. You are still leaving the heavy lifting to H? These meetings are only gathering information and only preparing if H gets a divorce petition in order?

You need not look so far ahead as indefinite. How is your financial position currently? Do you need protection? Do you think things will remain ok until you find better financial footing?

I am confused, partly because of 1) all the feelings I'm having and partly because 2) I just don't understand what the next available/best steps are for me. Maybe you all can help guide me in either side of this, the feelings or the logical side.

1) Feelings: yes, everything you describe, D--I feel sick, what I am doing, it's all wrong, even as I know seeking a L and probably eventually hiring a L is what is logical and needed. The other feelings are all stirred up and uncovered by the last spewing episode: still the shock at the extent of H's anger and his attempts to shame me (which I know is probably stemming from his own feelings of hurt, shame, guilt), as well as all the energy it is taking to try to push off the shame I feel as a result. It is that bit of truth underneath everything, H saying I broke his heart in the midst of his accusations--all of that messes with me even as I try to step back and recognize I should not be taking on all the stuff he threw at me.

Branching from that (I wish I could draw a flow chart here!): trying to keep separate spewing/current H from H I married, who, yes, had some controlling tendencies and anger that he didn't understand and so turned both inward and, as time went on, outward, but it was never anything like it is now. I think it's easy for me to feel terrible about this being the man I married, about not recognizing some of the ways he was controlling during the M or not setting stronger boundaries during arguments when his language was not respectful. As kml says, I can take off the rose-colored glasses and recognize some of this, and how I would react differently to it in another relationship or, if I could go back, in this one. But when I feel like I'm thinking a bit more clearly and not under the cloud of the current spewing, I think H slowly turned into the H he is now--he wasn't always this way. It happened gradually over time because H didn't/doesn't know how to process his own feelings or be in an R, friendship or M, without erasing himself and his own needs.

Branching from that is the fear of--as this goes on and as we enter D process at some point--just being witness to more of ugly H and having those memories coexist in my mind with who he was before. I know who he is currently, and I don't want to experience any more of that H! I don't need to. I'd rather try to hold on to a more balanced version of H, and the more spewing that happens, the more I feel those memories being muddied. This might be easier if we weren't in the same small house, so that I could simply limit my contact with current H. I absolutely have to walk away if he tries to spew in the future, because I don't need any more of that echoing in my head, right? I am not in a place where I can just let it slide off me--it seeps in and I find myself internalizing all the blame.

2) What do I need to do to protect myself? What next steps do I need to take? I was viewing these consults as getting more info to counteract my fear of H's last threats and to know which L I would go with once I am served and need help navigating this process. H is supposed to give me the financial docs I asked for on August 16--I wanted these docs before we would even begin to discuss an agreement. If I don't have D papers by then, does it really matter if he's given me docs or not? Do I need to push myself or him to make forward progress on any of this? Things on my mind related to this:

--He's already admitted to using half of our savings (that I can't access) to pay his credit card debt, and he could decide to spend the rest of the money from our savings,. According to the L, if this is indeed to pay debt on his credit card that was incurred while we were M, this kind of thing happens all the time and I can't do anything about it. If he does this and it turns out, once I was able to go through his card statements in discovery, there were big expenses he incurred after separation, then I would be entitled to some of that money back.

--It's still status quo right now with our joint checking, and with H still paying joint bills from it. I am not making much money (reduced hours and unemployment b/c Covid). I will, however, have a decent temporary paycheck in November/December because I'll be teaching for three months, so my plan is to open up my own savings account by then so that that money can be deposited there. I'm not risking H paying off his credit card with it.

--As kml points out with the house, it seems like status quo is my only option for now: I don't want to leave (and it is better financially for me not to leave), so I won't. Maybe Kindly is right--H changed his mind on moving out one week and changed it back, so maybe he will get tired of it at some point and decide to leave. How does it help me right now to worry about this aspect of the agreement we're apparently supposed to come to at some point?

Is this all making some kind of sense? I think H bringing up filing and how we can come to an agreement ourselves set me spinning and pushed me to take action: I asked for financial docs and he freaked out, threatened to leave me with nothing, so I started consulting L again. I'm feeling all kinds of pressure and I can't quite tell if it's coming from the need to do something or the illusion that I need to do something. In short:

Our feelings are a bit mixed up during this time, and therefore not the best indicator of desirable course of action.

Ie: I told her this was going to be a slow moving train....those words left my mouth based on wisdom from this site but I had no idea at the time just how slow ...and I’m still only a year in.

I think this is also a big fear of mine, and, yeah, it's typical of the sitches on this site for the D to drag on, isn't it? Maybe that's also why I am feeling pressure to do something. I don't want to be stuck with alien H any longer than I have to at this point. I want to hold onto my old memories and focus on my new life without H. I know that I can still strive to do this while living with alien H, but it's not the same, is it? Seeing him like this is affecting how I feel about old H. I know I will be mentally and physically healthier on my own. But: I can't control whether he chooses to stay in this house. I choose not to leave because it would hurt me financially in the present and future, and, yes, there are the pets here I couldn't take with me.