KC, I haven't had time to jump on here much lately. But when I do, I try to catch up on your threads. This whole thing with being chummy with H, you really struggle with that. You keep being told not to do it but you can't seem to help yourself. I think this is why Steve keeps driving home the point that you need to switch to written communication with H, because you simply cannot stop yourself from trying to nice him back whenever you talk to him.
Going dark isn't for your H, it's not going to bring him back. It's for you. It's to break you out of the pattern of trying to win him back through means that do not work. It's to help you detox and recover from this, and rebuild your life and move on to something better. Those of us who have been here a long time, we all eventually figured out that letting go is the ONLY way forward. Not SAYING we let go, but actually DOING it. I can always tell when someone has well and truly dropped the rope because their posts take on a distinctly different tone. Most of their posts become about them, their kids, their GAL, their work. They hardly mention their spouse. And they're not faking it, their interest level really drops off to where their spouse is no longer an important part of their life.
Just look at your posts- H did this. H did that. H called and said this. H did this, he must be thinking XYZ. I wonder why H said ABC, what does that mean? I'm eating lunch with H's kid and not going to talk about H, but then he said this about H so I had to talk about H because I don't want to be rude. I have to do this paperwork for H. I wonder if H paid his bills this month? I wonder if I should ask H this or that. For months and months and months EVERYTHING you post is about H. You might make one or even two posts about something else, then it's right back to H.
THIS HAS GOT TO STOP. Your future depends on it. Your MARRIAGE depends on it. I've read stories and have also seen in my real life people trying to get off of heroin. You simply would not believe the excuses and rationalizations drug addicts will make to keep doing drugs while trying to "recover". One woman I knew was being driven to rehab by her mom and actually told her she needed to stop and get something to "help me be more clearheaded when I get there to check in." Can you guess what that something was? God bless her mom's soul but the poor fool actually took her to her dealer and gave her money and she literally shot up while driving to the rehab place.
This is you with your H. You're finding every excuse you can to take a small hit of H. Hey it's just a phone call, what's the harm in asking how he's doing? 40 minutes later you are high as a kite on H, and he hangs up and the withdrawals start.
I'm not sure the people here can lead you out of this. I don't think they/ we can, because you would be better by now, and you're not. So again I will reiterate what others have been telling you for months- you need to get into IC. Whatever bad experience you had before, that's just an excuse you're making. You are exactly the same as the drug addict that finds reasons not to go to rehab. Please do it, your life is quite literally at stake here.
