Fierce compassion, equanimity, integrity

[DnJ]

Hello cardinal

Something I had found myself to be doing back during my separation - trying to ensure my L understood how irrational XW is.

Lawyers have seen all kinds of clients, both beside and across the table from them. The L is a professional who is meant to remain dispassionate and therefore not get wrapped up in how irrational our spouse is being. The law isn’t swayed, or changes, because someone is behaving irrationally. This is a business deal. Emotions stay at the door.

I would hazard that given H’s current propensity for being unreasonable, mediation is probably more a waste of money and not worth the risk.

L said the court won’t make a decision or ask either party to leave the house, so it will be up to us to come to an agreement.

Coming to an agreement sounds unlikely from what you have said regarding H’s behaviour. However, if he really wants to stay that is advantage to you for negotiating.

...rent hasn’t risen in years so is much lower than the current market, not to mention leaving would mean leaving our chickens and the neighborhood cats I care for.

Yes, you have grown accustom to your home and neighbourhood. You need not leave. And H doesn’t have to. Is there an amount you would need or would be willing to leave for? Just food for thought.

Basically, I feel there is no end in sight. H won’t leave, and I will be living here with him indefinitely, while nothing moves forward with D (assuming he actually files this time).

Feel - I will discuss below.

Feelings aside for the moment, a recommended position when considering these business ideas. You are still leaving the heavy lifting to H? These meetings are only gathering information and only preparing if H gets a divorce petition in order?

You need not look so far ahead as indefinite. How is your financial position currently? Do you need protection? Do you think things will remain ok until you find better financial footing?

H may not file, as his history shows.

Not too much has actually changed. Although, it feels different.

I wanted my meeting to make me feel empowered and businesslike, but instead I feel vulnerable and like I won’t be able to convey to anyone accurately how H is trying to bully me.

I’m sorry your meeting left you feeling less strong.

Feelings will flit when not reinforced.

cardinal, you are a strong woman. The meeting is for information. You become empowered and businesslike through action. Note: Be empowered not feel empowered.

I get it. The feeling of being vulnerable. It’s ok. It’s real. It’s a feeling. And you are more than feelings. You are smart and capable. You have values, beliefs, and convictions. You are important and have value. Please see passed the bullying. Don’t get swept up in H’s nastiness.

Definitely go for another consult, I found I was really able to build a better understanding of what he could and couldn’t do after multiple consults. Thinking of you and hope this next one feels a little better.

I really like Kindly’s post.

You are building an understanding and multiple consults do help.

However, and I do get the intended sentiment, you don’t need to feel you have a good lawyer, you need to know it.

Our feelings are a bit mixed up during this time, and therefore not the best indicator of desirable course of action.

My L - I didn’t feel good about it. I felt sick. What I was doing. It was so wrong. Of course, I was what was wrong. I was all messed up. My L was actually top shelf (which took a while to feel that way).

I did also get stuck here, though:

Ask yourself this:

Was I happy in my marriage?

Overall. Don’t focus on a couple of bad incidences, over the 10 years of marriage, over the 16 years together. Look overall.

Was I happy? Maybe I'm too far in this mess to trust my answer right now. Did I love him? I can answer that wholeheartedly: Yes.

That is a good answer.

As this mess clears you will see better. For now, you cannot trust your answer, so don’t. Have faith - in yourself, in your past actions.

There was a time I questioned my past and my marriage. Was I actually happy? I didn’t have an answer. I had pictures, letters, and such. But no corroborating feelings. In time, clarity resumes and one’s past envelopes them again. Wholehearted answers and beliefs will, and do, live and breathe within us.

Just takes some time.

D