What I am trying to get you to do is to think about things in terms of DBing. You continue to do things that set you back. Whether it is contacting about his mail, or engaging about the agreement. Many people have told you to go to email only communication. If it is important he will email. Etc. But you keep engaging and then lamenting the fact that you are still overly attached to him. And then meeting with your stepkids for lunch. Maybe it is innocent, but I think you can see where I would question the motive.
You cannot continue to make mistakes that set you back and then wonder why you aren't moving forward. Your H lied to you, cheated on you, left you for another woman. You shouldn't be engaging in things that make him reach out or contact you, you should be preparing yourself mentally, emotionally, and spiritually for the next phase of your life without him.
And then there is this: "1) SS20 considers me an important person. smile and shared personal news rather than having me find out later when they post on FB." And I have to wonder.....what if he didn't consider you an important person and you got the news through FB later? Would you be ok with that? I still see you defining a lot of who you are based on how the people around you "feel" about you. That your self-esteem is wrapped up in whether this person is nice to me or not, and that this person finds me important. And that is really no way to live. I still see your spirits rise and fall in interactions with your STBXH based on whether or not he is nice. "He was nice!" And even whether or not he asks about you. "He was pleasant but never asked about me."
I said this before, and I will say it again. I dream of a day when I open up your thread, some time in the future, and see a KC that couldn't give two shakes what STBXH thinks or feels. And not just him, but everyone around you. That you know your own importance and self-worth whether or not anyone else acknowledges it. You have proven yourself to be an intelligent, wise, caring, kind person. That alone makes you amazing, worthy and important!! Whether other people see it or say it is immaterial. You should know it, and not only know it, celebrate it!
YES... so okay I see where you are coming from.
Relationship with SS20 certainly was strained over the years as he was quite the rebellious teen of two parents who did not get along at all or co-parent well together. Now his relationship with H improved after he went into the military and did my relationship with him.
I did my best. I loved my stepkids from day one because I loved my H.
BUT, unlike his parents my bond with him is not as strong being just a step-parent. He still has both parents. I parented the best I could with 3 teens... nobody's perfect. I will not be part of family dinners, etc. Any involvement I get from now on will be at the choosing of my stepkids.
The fact that despite everything at 20 he recognizes what I've tried to do for him and his sister and that he considers me important melts my heart because he could have easily walked away feeling he no longer had to have contact with me. If he had chose to do that I would have accepted that as his choice. ---- so I celebrated this by being excited about it!!!
You don't have stepkids. This is not something you have ever had to navigate.
I understand you are just wanting wants best for my healing but I'm 100% positive if you had D'd you would not have walked away from your daughter because it was best for your healing.
I know I walk a very fine line. I respect that and my stepkids.
Believe me after what SS20 had to say about H in 60sec grossed me out and I don't want to contact him. I will email him because he hasn't provided the documents I asked for earlier this week but I will probably wait until next week.
