Sage my dear when WS/WAS are throwing vitriol at you like that you don't have to validate. And it isn't poor DBing if you don't. It's a good thing you can be objective and see that he can't see things for what they are vs. what he wants them to be. And it's good that you wish you were in a more zen place to validate. But I'll leave this here for food for thought for you.You absolutely refusing to agree with his version of things doesn't make you a bad DB'er or doing the wrong thing. Your boundary is reality. And that's a perfectly appropriate boundary to have.IMHO draw your line in the sand and keep it there like Steve85 said. Standing up for yourself and refusing to eat the blame he was trying to feed you is protecting yourself and your mental health from his crisis and you deserve those lines in the sand.
To go with that if you feel you need to validate in the future just to keep the peace or stay out of the fray, whatever it may be, a lot of vets suggest saying "I'm sorry you feel that way" and either repeat that like a chant as they throw more irrational word vomit at you or say it once and find a way to leave the situation. IMHO I feel that is one of the most patronizing things on the planet to say to another adult. I used "I understand you feel that way, and that's a really awful place to be." I'll acknowledge that that was his truth but I'd be d@mned if I was going to allow him to think I agreed with his version of things. There was a lot of "If I felt that way I'd probably want to leave too, but I'm sorry I just don't see our MR the way you do." Or "I'm sorry you're so miserable. I've never gone out of my way to make you feel like that. So I'm not sure how you'd like me to respond." A few times I went totally off the reservation and threw "You are getting everything you want, a new life, a new love, a new you, rid of me, a full re-writing of our history, but you're miserable? You're the miserable one? OK." No one is going to be a zen master through all of this. You have to forgive yourself for that.
Last if you want to throw in the towel, you throw in the towel my dear. If you want to stand, stand. If you want to fence sit while this separation plays out for a little while you go right ahead and do that. This is your journey. You'll stop standing when you are ready. You will keep standing if you feel that's right. And there's no shame in not knowing what you want in situations like these. Time is on your side.
