Not sure I have a reason to hope...

[SteveLW]

Last night H and I told the children that he is moving out and we are slowly moving towards divorce. The conversation was the hardest one I have ever had in my life and it went poorly (we had agreed to stick to the facts: H is moving out, the kids will split time between the homes, divorce is likely happening... any questions kiddos?). Instead H told the kids 'mummy and daddy have decided... mummy and daddy think this is best... mummy and daddy etc'. We had previously discussed not using this tactic because the kids know that H wants out, but that I do not. And I refuse to lie or be inauthentic with them (although I am dedicated to only giving the information they need, would never throw him under the bus, and am a pretty great mom in the emotional intelligence department). H also shut down a question from the kids about me getting a job (work to them means leaving for extended periods of time like he does and of course they are worried about it). He snapped at our S 'it's my job to take care of mummy' after which, no one wanted to ask anymore questions. Can I just say that his response is demeaning to me and untrue in the long-term?

A couple of days ago, we had a talk about how I am the cause of all of this and the whole '13 years of misery' schtick. I lost my ability to validate his cr*p and told him how deeply, deeply, deeply he had hurt me with his affair, how disappointed I was that he chose to lean out of the marriage instead of leaning in and how I couldn't move forward into friend zone like he wants because I hadn't had a whiff of him owning his side of the street/50% of the marriage. He stood up for himself, made excuses (that placed it all back on me) and basically left me feeling worse than I was before the conversation.

H takes everything personally, whether it is from me or the kids. His ego-driven emotions (shame, guilt, etc) overwhelm him and render him unable to empathize or see anything beyond his own pain. I keep trying to repeat the mantra 'I didn't break him, can't fix him' over and over. My nature is to try and improve myself, reflect, change, become a better version, so when someone blames me for things, I want to address it. But the load has become unbearable and I don't see how I can change anymore without losing the essence of who I am.

I am not sure if I should continue to stand for our M, or just throw in the towel already.

Needing 'you'll be OK no matter what' today, but not able to supply it myself at the moment...

Sage, first let me say I am sorry you had to tell the kids. I admit that telling my D was one of the things that scared me the most as looked forward to eventually splitting up if that is where my sitch ended up. I've often said, it if wasn't for my D, i probably would have told my W to hit the bricks the minute I found her EA. Especially since it was her second. But because of my D I took pause on that.

The good news is that the hardest part of your sitch is behind you. Now you can focus on being the best mother to those kids that you can be!

I do need to point something out to you:

H takes everything personally, whether it is from me or the kids. His ego-driven emotions (shame, guilt, etc) overwhelm him and render him unable to empathize or see anything beyond his own pain.

And then....

I am not sure if I should continue to stand for our M, or just throw in the towel already.

Is your H, right now, someone that you want to remain married to?? I really think the first quote above is your answer. He is no longer the man you married. He is a lying cheater. I would throw in towel until such a time he is no longer a lying cheater and can past his own ego. If that never happens then you can move on knowing that there was nothing you could do to save the marriage.

Also, "I keep trying to repeat the mantra 'I didn't break him, can't fix him' over and over. " Stop saying that. Stop being so available for him to dump on you. Learn to shut it down.

Him: "It is all your fault! You did this! You brought this about!"
You: "Stop. I refuse to stand her and have you blame me for YOUR problems." Then walk away.

Learn the art of firmly standing up for yourself, then walking away. If more LBSs could learn that when their lying cheating spouse is engaged in an A they'd be way better off for it.

Here is the thing, whether you believe it right now or not, you will be ok no matter what. You will be better than ok! You will be awesome and thrive!!