Dreadfully Optimistic

[DejaVu6]

I echo what everyone else has said and also want to welcome you here...at the same time, sorry you are here. Keep the focus on you ATL and make the goal about improving you. That way, with or without the marriage, you will be okay in the end. My XH never used the word separation or divorce either...right up until the day he presented me with a separation agreement. Prior to that, even when I asked him directly, he refused to say the word. We are divorced now and rocking the coparenting thing. And I am happier than I have been in years. Two years ago, I would NEVER have believed I could be this happy and divorced but if you keep the focus on you and do the work, it is entirely possible. Anyway...I hope you are able to save your marriage and if you take the advice of the people on this board, that will be your best chance. However, if you can’t save your marriage, please, please, please save yourself. If you do this, you will be okay no matter how things turn out. (((HUGS)))

[ATLGuy13]

Very well said... You're right that much of what I'm doing was initiated by her BD and initially I my focus was reconciliation, I can't deny that. However, I'm realigning my focus towards doing what I'm doing, I'm doing it for me. Read my last post for more information. As you said, doing it to appease a WAS towards reconciliation is a good way to be right back where you started; and there's a hundred reasons as to why.

I do give her a lot of space, even though we are living together. There's no guilt to be in the same room with me. Her home office is on the other side of the house from mine, so there's that natural boundary. When we are both done with work, she might come to the family room to watch TV where I'm at, or she might not. Generally if our S6 is home, not outside playing, she's in the room with us, but that's a different dynamic. However, the vibe, improved, and tension is low. There's laughs, and smiles etc. These are improvements, and small wins, like the DB/DR books mention.

She works 100% remote (even without C19Q) so she can go see her family in NC (6 hours away) and just work there. She has been doing this since we've been married, so it's not new. Doing this now is also a way for her to have space and have less stress. She and our S6 are there this week for example. After the BD at CT I initially felt that if she was going to feel that way, that I wanted my son with me all the time, and if she wanted to go to NC, I can watch him, or go with them. This was selfish as I felt that if we would be divorced soon I'd have joint custody and only half his time with me, so I wanted all of it while I could get it. While seemingly logical, it's not very impactful, and hurts (not helps) chances of reconciliation. Moreover it could be seen as clingy and beggy etc. while conversely, and to your point, her leaving and me being comfortable with it, and also comfortable not routinely calling and texting will have a beneficial impact; which is what I'm doing.

[ATLGuy13]

You're right. I've come to accept (or at least assume) that her words were a BD, even if somewhat abridged in their actual presentation. That said, it's on her to do what she thinks is best. In the meantime I'm focused on being the best version of myself every day.

[job]

ATLGuy13,

Your most recent posting in which you were wanting thoughts on a "rule" was deleted.

As stated on the Board Policies thread: "This message board community is designed to support, encourage, and educate people about Divorce Busting strategies and techniques to help them improve their relationships and save their marriages."

[ATLGuy13]

OK... Need some help here

As you can read above I had a (soft) bomb drop ("I don't think this marriage can be saved") about 2 months ago, followed by me doing all the wrong things, begging, pleading etc. which of course didn't work. Since then I've turned the focus on me, and at least from my perspective there's been fewer arguments, more agreements, and we're still living together. Things aren't just cordial, they are friendly, not not romantic. In short, what I am doing isn't making things worse, even if I have no idea if it's truly making it better.

We do have one hot button that can't wait for her to R; money. I'm laid off, and still waiting for C19 money I have no idea if I'll ever see. I'm contributing around the house, but we typically we run out of cash 2-3 days before her pay day. It would be possible to make it work for now with just her income, but we need to sit down and do a budget, and of course another one when I get a job.

How should I approach her about this?

[ovrrnbw]

Tell her your temporary plan to make extra money to bridge that gap temporary searching for more meaningful employment. Ask for her thoughts amd thank her for her input.

Personally, I would wade through a pool of excrement everyday if I needed to for my family. Or my dog, she gets the good treatment too. You seem comfortable at home waiting around, am I reading this wrongly?

[ATLGuy13]

We also have our S6 starting back school next week, which is 100% remote. I’ll be doing that, as W will be working. Really, we just need to tighten spending a little bit and we will be ok. I’ve tried to find jobs around that I can do, however menial, but the issue is they are getting picky too; they don’t want a bunch of folks quitting as soon as their career opens back up. In any case, I’ll continue to search.

I don’t follow your last question.

[ATLGuy13]

I need help reading between the lines. My situation feels better and likely has improved, but only slightly. We still live together. We sleep together most nights. There’s no intimacy, and or “I love yous.” She also hasn’t told me in clear language that she has changed her mind and now wants to fix our marriage. So by the strictest metric, it has not improved.

She’s not leaving, she’s not wanting me to leave, we still go out as a family with our S6. We have fun when we do. There’s little arguing. There’s mostly laughs.

Meanwhile she tells out S6 how much she loves him, tells her family that on the phone, I’m dying each time.

Does my situation sound familiar to anyone? Has anyone else posted something similar?

[LH19]

A,

Yep you are on par with what happens after bomb drop. As long as there is no OM she may ease her way back into the marriage. The best thing you can do is become AMOAFWL and let it play out.

[Core]

Hi AG,

Right now it sounds like she's keeping her distance. It hard to hear, to me it sounds like she has emotionally divorced you. She is comfortable now and just is not yet willing to terminate the family. Reasons for this can be many. Women on average being more emotional than men, without the emotional connection, intimacy is gone.

The conversations you hear over S6, I can understand the pain there. Completely normal and ok. Getting some space for yourself would make things easier for you and she may wonder what youre up to.

I haven't read your whole sitch...hopefully there is no PA or EA occurring. Almost everyone here says...my spouse would never do that. Until they do. Be emotionally as ready as you can for that.

My suggestions: Do what you can to be your best self. Nail 180s hard. I think you mentioned depression in the past, that probably weighed on her heavily. As with my anxiety, it can come across as a burden or weakness when we're expected to be strong and its what she's attracted too. Build emotional strength, physical strength. Set goals, nail them. Get income flowing, if she's thinking of D, it doesnt help to be keeping you afloat. Job market is atrocious however if you have skills, can you get income from helping out those that dont want too much sun...yardwork, mowing, handyman stuff. Read up on validation, immerse in hobbies.

If she's checked out completely, this can take awhile. Its a marathon, not a sprint and you just started the race.

Good luck and enjoy the extra time you have with S6!