(((Sage))) Just popping into newcomers when all I can handle usually is MLC and wanted to offer you a hug. I've mostly kept up with your threads. It sounds like you handled a really, really rough situation so well, even though telling your kids did not go planned. I'm so sorry. You, though, displayed incredible grace, and kept the focus on your kids and not your H's less than honorable behavior.
Originally Posted by Sage4
A couple of days ago, we had a talk about how I am the cause of all of this and the whole '13 years of misery' schtick. I lost my ability to validate his cr*p and told him how deeply, deeply, deeply he had hurt me with his affair, how disappointed I was that he chose to lean out of the marriage instead of leaning in and how I couldn't move forward into friend zone like he wants because I hadn't had a whiff of him owning his side of the street/50% of the marriage. He stood up for himself, made excuses (that placed it all back on me) and basically left me feeling worse than I was before the conversation.
Can I just say I recently went through pretty much the same convo with my H, and also left it feeling worse than I was before? Ugh. You are able to stand back and see where his behavior is coming from, though. I'm totally on the same page as you--wanting to address/repair/grow when someone (especially someone I care about!) blames me for things. But you can only do so much of this if your H isn't willing right now to do the same, right? You recognize this, and you know what is best for you. You are not resistant to change or accepting responsibility; you are just not willing to bend yourself into shapes just because someone else demands it, nor are you going to take on more than your share of responsibility. You know yourself. You will be okay.
As for standing or throwing in the towel, maybe you don't have to decide at this moment, or maybe you can change how you feel about it from week to week, just observe where your feelings go for a while, and that is okay. Either way, it sounds like you are living with your and your children's best interests in mind, and isn't that the most important piece?
