-reconciling with the *emotionally painful truthful elements of what he spews and taking TOO MUCH responsibility for it ending our M because of him blaming me and me feeling horrible I didn’t fix things. (ssm)
Ditto, ditto, but you already know where I'm at with that! It's like if there's a grain of truth in the spewing, that means it's all true... which is not accurate, is it? But it can feel that way. It seems to me that we fall into this as they are going overboard in the opposite direction and taking no responsibility at all. They aren't in a place where they can confront any pain other than their own (which isn't actually all due to us, either, though they must tell themselves it is). We are able to see beyond ourselves and be empathetic, though; we are confronting the pain we may have caused our spouses and ourselves, and we want to make amends, but we shouldn't be taking responsibility for all of it. I know that and you know that, but I suppose it's a work-in-progress to really own that and not have to remind ourselves to put down the blame.
Originally Posted by Kindly
And to sum it all up, the big one is how much longer can I live with him if I don’t get back to letting go and dropping the rope fully. Everything affects me so much again.
I am having some trouble with this too. The last spewing from H pushed me to fully accept his alien-ness and recognize that as detached as I have become from him, it's still not a healthy environment to be living in, is it? If I didn't have all these beloved pets that go with the house, and if I could afford another place, I think I would seriously be considering it. But you can get back to a more detached place. I think sometimes it happens in starts and stops. And with BD anniversary approaching, it would make sense that emotions are stirred up. You'll get through this! Hopefully posting here will give you support as you move the focus back toward you.
The headphones have helped me. Now I get why my H had them on for like six months. Ha. It seems like maybe overhearing his calls is doing more harm than knowledge-is-power good for you right now.
A video camera? Eye roll. I've wondered many times if my H has something set up somewhere. After his freak out over the financial info I asked for, he eventually left for his room as I was asking him for a date on which I could expect some of these documents, so I followed him and stepped one foot in his room before he yelled, "Don't come in my room!" Just a couple of weeks before that, he'd asked me to help him with something in his room. Seems like more teenage behavior in retrospect.
The takeaway, I guess, is that all of these behaviors you're listing are all about him, and not you, even though it may feel personal. We have to remember that!
Originally Posted by Kindly
I had a great day yesterday - baked and made all kinds of yummies from the garden. And put together a really nice basket for a friend. I’m also taking pictures again and getting back to my main hobby and side business. This is proof that focusing on me works way better ...just hard to do sometimes with H stomping around in your face.
This is a kind of turning your brain off, giving it a rest, right? Keep doing these activities that bring you joy and shift your focus from your H's craziness. Maybe even do them with headphones on.
