No changes on WAW - Pack_19 Part II

[sandi2]

BTW, the whistle was for the advice LH has given you.

@ Sandi, have you given up on me?

No, but I felt you were not taking the main advice to detach and stop conversing with her. I saw you grabbing hold to a little phrase or idiom we might use, and you wouldn't let go of it. You may ask, "What's the problem grabbing hold to a few words and not letting go"? The problem is when your brain is so focused on that one little group of words you like, until it's out of focus on the other important information within the entire post we write. You are not the only person who does this, FWIW.

Even when I told you to stop trying to get your W back, you continued pursuing through verbal conversations with her. You are not emotionally detached, and these actions pull you back into the belief you can verbally convince her that you are good enough to give you another chance. That line of thinking is wrong, for this situation. Until you stop trying to convince her you are good enough to be her H, you will be her slave and she will never respect you. Do know what I mean? You don't get a woman's respect by bowing down to her and twisting yourself into whatever mold she wants you to be. You get a woman's respect by being a man of integrity, honor, and core values, that guide your daily decisions. If the woman is too blinded by her own issues to recognize the value in him, then it's up to her to work through her issues. It time for you to stop beating yourself to a pulp, and seeing yourself as a failure. Learn from mistakes and move on. You can't make her love you.

Maybe I should take a more objective view on this and just move on.

Taking an objective view is exactly what we want you to do. However, you cannot be objective when your emotions are tied to every word, every act, and every attitude shown in your W. With every breath you take, it seems to be linked with the idea you will convince your W to come back to you. Your mindset seems to be that you will either get good enough for her to take you back, or you can talk long & hard enough to change her mind. Neither of these avenues will lead to a successful reconciliation.

I find myself wondering if W still loves me or at least appreciates me as a father, if that is enough to restore love and how long it would take if it is ever to happen.

No, she does not appreciate you as a father, b/c she is jealous of her children spending time with their father, and she is trying to corrupt the children's feelings for their father. Can you not see what she is doing to the oldest son? As he grows, she will talk to him with the same bitter attitude in which she talks to you. She will punish him much in the same way she is punishing you, through shaming tactics, accusations, threats, cold silence, etc. This can cause psychological damage to children. Frankly, your W seems to extend her mindset about you to how she feels toward her children, which is very unhealthy. Perhaps she has an unhealthy attitude toward all men, IDK. Perhaps her mother passed along old resentments of her own. It can happen within that mother-daughter relationship when the daughter is growing up.

I'm simply suggesting that this deep resentment and rage toward you......and her seemly, in the process of extending the same mentality of guilt & shame toward the oldest son (by attacking his self esteem, and making him feel guilty for the time he enjoys with his father, etc.) comes from a physiological depth that Paco cannot change. As I've told you in previous posts, this is her problem, and it's up to her to get help to change how she views things and how she feels. She cannot mature emotionally, as long as she holds others accountable for her happiness. If this attitude and mindset was established before she grew up, and before she married, then the target for any unhappiness would be her H. She has to blame someone else, instead of taking responsibility for own decisions and her own happiness. Emotionally immature people will blame someone else for their lack of success and/or happiness.

I don't think her mindset will change as long as she can escape taking responsibility for her own happiness. How is she escaping responsibility? She escapes by blaming her H for her unhappiness, blaming her sons (who will grow into men) for her unhappiness, and basically seeing all men through a preconceived negative viewpoint. You have tried to prove her wrong, but she won't allow it. IMHO, you trying to be everything you think she wants in a H, can't be accomplished. Why? B/c she has allowed bitterness, playing the victim, and a sense of entitlement to fill her soul and her stubbornness has not soften. So, what have you done through all your attempts to prove you've changed and can be a much better H? You've reinforced her unrealistic ideas about MR. You took all the responsibly for the problems in the MR.......and, thinking if you did so, then you could change it by changing yourself. However, like many LBH's, you saw those improvements as a fix-all tactic to getting your W back. As we began to get a better view of your W, we tried to redirect how you interpreted these 180's or self improvement. You would often post a response with the correct wording of someone who understood what we said, but your actions continued repeating the very things we tried to discourage.

All I want is a clear conversation, even if that is for her to say look I still want a D and then I would say ok goodbye and be happy!

OMG! See what I mean? You won't drop the idea of having another conversation. Your bullheadedness is working against you. Your W is not going to tell you "goodbye and be happy"! Are you kidding? She doesn't want you to be happy!! She wants you to be miserable!! Why? B/c she blames you for her own misery. As I said previously, she has already started working on your oldest son with shame & guilt......which is the same method she uses when talking to you. She plays the victim, while inflicting damage on the other person. WAKE UP, PACO!