thank you for this. I do see precisely what you mean. I usually avoid R talk and lie to him constantly about my real feelings as DB recommends we do (I have the bright smile and 'I'm fine!' totally perfected) but in that moment there was no hiding that I was crying and the usual 'I'm fine' wasn't going to cut it. I feel I have a choice between hiding how I feel or being honest and in that moment I was honest and it was the wrong choice.
Though lying to him all the time and pretending that this is a marriage that works for me is a kind of communication that isn't working either. I am happy in my work, with my friends, as a mother and when I am alone. I am miserably unhappy in my marriage as my basic needs for love and affection and closeness are not met. I can most definitely pick my time in communicating the extent of that, but other that keep up DBing and pretend that all is well (which my H appears to be happy with - he may or may not be, I don't know) I am not sure what my options are. We have been 'piecing' for a year, and no progress is being made, and it is because we aren't communicating at all. I was, in that moment, trying to be honest.
Of course he felt criticised. He's a pretty crappy husband to me. Why is him not feeling criticised more important than my being able to be honest about how it is for me to live with him? I am past using DB principles to treat him like a frightened dog I'm trying to lure back into my house. He's here, he's choosing to be here, he has plenty of other options and I don't stand between him and the door. But while he is here, I want openness and equality and that means that I get to tell him I am unhappy and get some of that validation I've been spoon-feeding him for months and months and months. Doesn't it?
I think this is too broken, really. And I do think he has tried. But even when he does try, it is so wooden and robotic and cold that I don't feel any desire, passion, warmth, affection, love or even - to be honest - friendly interest - in me. Never. So when he makes these practised gestures and half-hearted attempts, I can feel the desperate effort there is at play, and how much he'd rather be somewhere else. I don't trust that he does actually love me, I don't think he knows how to or wants to show love in a way that makes sense to me. Except then I remember how totally easy he found it to be warm and kind and interested in his EA woman. This isn't a man who does not know how to court or be warm and affectionate and empathic. He has those skills. I saw that very clearly.
