I was crying last night, in the middle of the night. H woke up and asked me what was the matter. I ended up telling him how sad it made me that he was so cold, distant, unaffectionate, focussed on practical things but never really interested in spending time with me, talking with me about anything other than the house and kids, never interested in initiating sex. I should have just kept my thoughts to myself - he wasn't mean or cruel or abusive, but he did just make it all about him, and how criticised he felt. I did try to emphasise I wasn't asking him for anything, wasn't criticising him, wasn't blaming him, but that I was unhappy and I was telling him the reason why I was unhappy. But it didn't make any difference and even at the time I didn't think that it would. It didn't really spark any care or empathy from him - he didn't touch me or comfort me or speak gently with me. I just got the usual list of reasons why it isn't his fault, or why what I want is unreasonable.
I know that when I am unhappy he feels criticised. I make myself happy and meet my own needs in every single area of my life. But there's a gap for a lover and a husband in my life that is not unreasonable, and is not possible for me to fill in with friends, GAL and self care. I am not sure how to communicate that to him so we can actually talk about it, rather than us have to talk about how he feels criticised and how it isn't his fault. I understand why me telling him that how he is in this relationship does not make me feel loved, and when I feel unloved I begin to question what the point of him coming back actually was. I asked him why he wanted to come back and he said 'to work on things' and that's it. Nothing about love, or missing me, or wanting me, or wanting our future, or anything. I asked him what he wanted to work on and he said he wasn't going to be baited into a conversation where he had to pander to my needs.
I feel so alone in my marriage. I didn't say this to him, but the facts are, I earn most of the money, do most of the housework and childcare, and exist emotionally separately from him, there's no sex life unless I initiate it and most of the time the sex we do have is not pleasing for him and he isn't willing to tell me or show me what he needs to make it more pleasing for him. He will not speak about it. I don't really know what the point of him in my house actually is. I feel quite sure I could function well and be happy alone. I would be lonely for a husband but I am lonely for a husband now.
I guess it has been easier to be angry about this than sad, or to blame him or myself than sad. But today I am just sad about it. He has no interest in me or a shared life in any real way and at the moment I need to work on accepting that, and working out why I am tolerating it.
