Weird Question

[DnJ]

Hello PLC

I do understand your confusion. You are angry, sad, upset, etc; and yet you are following DB principles. It’s a tough road. (((Hugs)))

First, your marriage is dead. Before this you were not in an open relationship. You married and vowed to be monogamous, both of you. That is what you expected. H’s tryst(s) are not what you signed up for. Showing him how angry, hurt, and mad you are will not wake him up. Showing him how angry, hurt, and mad you are will not progress you toward your goals. Which, by the way, are much more than reconciliation. You walk this tough road for you! It also gives you your best chance at a reconciliation, further down the road. (Think years). Your relationship might be rebuilt. If so, it will be a new and better relationship.

If you don’t want to be divorced than don’t divorce.


Second, the business side of things is business. If you don’t want to be divorced than don’t. If you need financial protection/security then separate if permissible where you live, or divorce. This is a need not a want.

Separation or divorce will have little detrimental affect upon a reconciliation. In fact, most evidence points towards it being helpful. Your H needs to feel that he has lost you. That you aren’t sitting around being plan B. This is not manipulating his path; oh no, you don’t want that responsibility. The business side is also about you and your needs. Look at this sans emotions.

If you need financial protection, then get it.


Third, H is confused. He is ruled by emotions and running from pain that will remain buried no longer. His attention span is that of a gnat. Seriously, anything more than one or two sentences will just become noise to him. And that is probably being generous - from my experiences. And for those few items that do get in his head, they flit away pretty fast as well.

Keep conversation short and simple. Explaining and trying to reason with him will not work. He is ruled by his emotions and those change all the time.


Forth, if you dump upon him your anger, hurt, and sadness; try to make him see; he will run. He cannot handle his own emotions, never mind your’s or anyone else’s.

H will expend enormous energies in maintaining his fantasy. He has too. Anyone who gets in his way will be mowed down. Any arguing with him is just justification to him for his leaving. Anything, really, can be turned into H’s justification; he is in crisis, he is irrational.

He will bait you. Attempting you to bite and attack. Oh, the MLCers are masters at taunting and manipulating. Anything you say will be taken the worse possible way or just be taken completely out of context.

Remain cordial and roommate-like. Leave him to his path. You focus on you.


Fifth, when this is all over, which ever way it goes, you’ll want no or few regrets. Blowing up at H will feel good for a brief time - very brief. Stick to the high road.

DB friends, I realize if he thinks he is leaving, this would be last ditch, but I do want him to know that I am angry and sad and hurt. Can I do this without looking like I am pursuing him?

Any suggestions on what to say that is advantageous to a non divorce?

The above, is your best chance. You may end up divorced, you may not. You may reconcile, or you might not. No one can predict the future. However, I guarantee you can become better. You can become healed.

That path feels wrong, I know. It will be counterintuitive until it isn’t.

Do not say anything relationship-wise to H. He will bolt. Let him go. You cannot stop him. His is in an irrational mid life crisis.

H knows how you feel. He really does. But, he cannot handle it. He runs, and hides, and blames, and justifies, in a futile attempt to make you the “bad guy” to try to live with his shame and guilt. Oh, the stuff they will justify for their new life is truly mind-boggling.

H is now an alien. Focus on you. Find your beliefs. Examine them. Strengthen those you want and alter or discard those you don’t. You have the gift of time, use it well.

Let go of your fears. Let go of H.

Be cordial and kind, like a roommate. No cake eating.

Enforce rock solid boundaries for disrespectful behaviour from H. This is you controlling what you do, not getting H to change. It is for your health and welfare.

Get your life in order. Financially, physically, intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually.

All of that is the most advantageous way to a non-divorce or reconciliation or new R outcome. A healthy healed person is very attractive. Be and live the woman only a fool would leave. It then becomes up to H to either remain the fool or decide to change.

Remember, you are the most important person in this equation. The really “big” reason for all this - is YOU!

D