not where I thought I would be

[DonH]

I don’t know about much anymore. Man, I’m in such a weird place

I've been there. In fact, I've been through much of what you are reporting. In fact, I've talked about it here for a long time. It took years for me to figure out and come to my conclusion. While it started about 5 years in life after where you currently are, you seem to now be experiencing much of what I have. It can make you crazy. That's why I had to adjust me. Can't change what is, all I could do is accept it and try to deal as best I could. I've said much of this here before over the years. Many refute some of my points. Yet here we are.

- OLD is the Land of Misfit Toys. It just is. You have seen this yourself over and over now. And now, like me, you are seeing the same people start to pop back up. It's like a revolving door. Never any absolutes. There are some quality people on OLD, it's not all misfits. But the quality people either find someone and move on or discover it's the land of misfit toys, quickly see it's not for them and they get away and never return.

- The quality people are taken. Like the married guy you just talked about. Same thing happens to me all the time. The people not attached are often not attached for a reason, have tried OLD for years, went through many guys, or not dated at all. Many are happily married and have been for a long time. I talked about a woman I met early this year right before the world turned upside down. I'd date her in a minute. She's married, happily for coming up on 25 years.

- the older people get, the less they want the full R that you do. Seems like this is more a guy thing than women but I totally see it and am living it. It would be nice to get "the fairytale" but it's often not realistic.

I don't have the answer. I do know M is not it and never was. At least knowing what doesn't work is a step in the right direction. There are good guys out there. They are just way harder to find than years ago - for all of the reasons I just listed. Those who remain, are out on the market for a reason. I know you feel that OLD is your only option. But is it? And is it really a good option if even the only option? Yeah, it's better than nothing I guess. But I think you want better than nothing. OLD is full of guys like M.

As to your ex and D. Wow, I've seen this too over and over and over. I lived it with my ex W and step kids. Same deal, if it was easy for him, he did it. He'd often pick them up late on Friday and drop them off early Sunday - well before the 6 PM time. He had Thursdays as well but skipped them 90% of the time. Right up until the kids got bigger. And when the oldest got her drivers license - it was a full court press to get them half time (likely so he didn't have to pay child support). I see the same thing with friends. It's worse when the mother is really a quality person and cares mostly about her kids. She puts herself last and puts the kids first while dad puts himself first and takes advantage of it all. The more she does, the more she sacrifices, the less he has to. If she doesn't give in, yes the child may suffer. It's a terrible place to be. You are doing right by D but yes it's at your sacrifice. Again, not fair.

As for talking with D about it. I too think it's good that you did - in the way you did. If only you could impart the wisdom to the rest of the world how important it is to chose the right guy. All of this gets avoided if the right partner is chosen. Sadly, in our 20s we often don't chose well. Some get pregnant and think it's best to get married and try to make it work. (My ex did this). Knowing what you know now, you'd never pick a guy like ex H - at least I sure hope that's the case. You can't teach the world about this but you can teach your D. She should learn how important the decision off a life partner is because unless there are no children, it really is for life. D doesn't end it. I certainly would not bad mouth or certainly not alienate but simple truths she likely is going to figure out sooner or later on her own. A good R with her dad really is best for her - and you know that. That's why even though it hurts you, you are doing what is best for D. That's what makes you a great mom.

I don't know what's best for you. For me I had to step away. I've met more quality people off-line. Yes there are less to chose from. But they can't near as easily hide who they are. It's not as much of a game. It's less pain for me. As a whole I feel much better about life and about myself. And all that is going on in the world does not help. I'm more than frustrated enough with all of that - I don't need the added frustration of dating strangers. But again, that works for me. It may not for you. I'm just more worried about you finding someone as I think the place you are in right now would make you too susceptible to accepting another M. I really fear you are in a "better than nothing" space. It might bring you some short-term happiness, but long-term it's not likely to.

We can't stay stuck in this bad cycle forever. Just ride it out for awhile. Bubble is not the answer.