Light at the end of the tunnel

[unchien]

As you know, by not using mediation (I'm not sure if you're still trying) both people are basically saying, "we can't be trusted to agree on day to day decisions, so could the judge/nanny state make them for us."

Yep, and I am comfortable with this. As background, we spent 6 months in co-parenting counseling post-S (in 2019) and then 3 months in mediation. My W showed zero willingness to compromise, and any time I tried to get any sort of movement towards my viewpoint, she would immediately raise allegations and get worked up and emotional.

She hasn't returned to work in a year. She wouldn't budge on the children. She's tried to move away with the children.

What I have been primarily asking for is basically what a judge/nanny state is likely to grant. I am 100% positive this is the best path forward for me at this point. It's a waste of resources and really sad that we can't work together, but I will always feel like I tried very hard to pursue all other reasonable avenues.

You mentioned in a previous post that she has poor relations with her family. Could they come to your side? That happens.

Possibly. I was mostly noting it as a pattern of her black and white thinking and inability to work through conflict.

Both my W and I come from what I would call "emotionally immature" families, immature in different ways. In my case, my father was emotionally distant (due to a disastrous D in his first marriage) and my mother has some sort of personality disorder issue which I won't go into for brevity's sake. My W's parents met in high school, and they still act like high schoolers. They argue and then don't talk to each other for weeks. They are highly emotional people and often throw reason to the wind to justify their actions made in anger or distress.

I see my W aligning herself with family members she previously had cut off. Just an observation.

I remember each time a new accusation came from my EX it was simply astonishing and emotionally devastating. I was accused of rape, fraud, child neglect, physical abuse, emotional abuse, using D14 as a weapon against her ... and so much more. It wasn't until June that the judge finally made a ruling and it ended finding me innocent of everything. Meanwhile half of the things I was accused of, she was doing to either me or D14. I also lost some friends because they believed her or took her side. I came to a point where I realized they were never really my friend if they truly believed I was capable of any of those things. I cut them from my life and have never had a regret.

Roosk ~ I'm sorry you went through all this. As I've posted here and followed your situation, I always thought it sounded crazy and imagined my situation would never get to that point. Now I'm seeing the same things happening. I never in a million years thought my W would have been capable of this, but here we are. It happens. I'm sure you also were stunned.

Do you ever wonder if you should have been able to detect your XW was capable of these things earlier? In my case, I always knew my W was uncompromising and controlling to a degree. But I thought at the time she was "driven" and a "self-starter" and admired her confidence. Now I think she has an inability to take responsibility for her actions and lacks self-awareness. I know these situations can be "he said, she said" but the accusations have reached a level of craziness that is completely astonishing.

Seeing things for what they really are truly gives you a sense of freedom doesn't it?

Completely.

This process has been life-changing for me. I know that there is no objective "truth" but I am confident and self-assured and I'm not going to question my reality the way I used to.

Motivational post inbound: Remember - it's her drama. It's her problem. You are not involved in that problem or that drama. That is not your reality and that is not your responsibility anymore - you keep even and steady and strong in the hurricane. Let your kids see how strong you are. Don't let W get to you. It's not your crisis or whatever. Be AMOAFWL.

One thing I am proud of is that I'm good about keeping this away from my kids, and I'm letting my W spin. Unfortunately I do have to work through the legal issues at hand and engage at that level.

From everyone involved (therapists, lawyers, etc.) I can probably expect it to take another year or more before my W and I can really start co-parenting effectively. It is sad for my children. I will of course keep trying and keep my kids out of the drama. I'll hope for sooner but at the moment I have zero confidence my W is ready to engage at a reasonable level.

Who knows why she apologized. Compassionate indifference. Distance - leave her to her crisis as much as you can. Spinning those thoughts is a cheeseless tunnel.

Definitely. I don't want to give the impression I am obsessing over these things. I am curious.

You sound so strong now U - good on you! Keep going, keep being AMOAFWL and the best dad ever (which you already are)

Thanks IW - I'm trying to be a "good enough" dad haha.