I think you're right about the fun and humour. Life is not much fun right now. So much about this lockdown period - working mainly from home, doing all the domestic work and most of the childcare, H being away pretty much all of the time and when he is around, being tired and absent and irritable, is reminding me of the time when we were S and those were pretty much my circumstances. That isn't how it is now - he is here, he hasn't wavered really on being committed to our marriage (unless you count that time he claimed he'd contacted his solicitor, which was so obviously a lie I didn't take it seriously even at the time) and he's tired because he's working constant overtime and is on call for at least half of his off-duty hours each week. Most of the GAL stuff for me has been moved to online, which makes it feel not that much different from work, and even now things are opening up a bit now, there's so much uncertainty and still so much missing from our daily lives that I have to admit I am feeling quite depressed a lot of the time. I am struggling to be motivated. This isn't really anything to do with my marriage - this is being home alone too much, and the relentless grind of a long period of home-school and summer holidays. I am lacking the motivation to get out and see my friends - I could do that more than I do, but I just seem to feel dull and tired a lot of the time. I think H is suffering similarly - his work has really been incredibly difficult. I know he worked so so so so hard to get where he is now (the massive project he was working on pretty much exclusively during our separation has finally come to fruition, and placed him directly in the firing line for really demanding front-line covid related work) and he's not taking much pleasure in it either. We seem to function - the dishes are done, the kids are doing their school work, the laundry is done, I am doing my work and we get out in the fresh air every day. But apart from that, there's not much in the way of pleasure for anyone. I don't want to be defeatist and I know there's more I could do to help my own mood and day to day existence, and this has nothing to do with H and isn't his responsibility. I am just really really exhausted. It's been a very difficult couple of years.
