not where I thought I would be

[Ginger1]

IN the last 24 hours, the hits have kept on coming. D12 and i did have a good day, but she brought it up again and wanted to to talk to her dad about the extra day. I texted him and he agreed "as long as it isn't on one of the days she is in school in person" This angered me and got some emotions flowing and my tears came out in front of her. I'm usually very good at sheilding her from my reactions and emotions, but i couldn't, She started crying and hounded me as to why I was upset and if I was mad she wanted to spend more time at her dads and i assured her it wasn't. Well, I finally gave her an ounce of truth, even though it didnt color her dad in the best light. I explained ot her that since birth I changed my job many times so that I could be there for her and be her primary care giver. I did whatever it took to make it work and i don't regret for a second because I love being her mom. HOever, her dad didn't have to sacrifice a thing. He lives his life and took what was convienient to him and that is difficult for me. I told her her father loves her and takes good care of her, but it was always mom who went out of her way to make it work, even when it wasn't convienient. She understood where I was coming from and she asked me if dad every apologized. I told her her dad has never apologized for anything and I don't believe he was sorry for it, so he felt there was no apology needed. ANd I said, I just wanted the appreciation for my sacrifices, not the apology. She said maybe his way of showing it now is doing stuff for you life he does. I agreed, that may be his way of showing his appreciation. I said I was just sad to have less time after all these years but i am happy she is finally getting what she has wished for for so long.

I don't want to give up time with her. And I am p*ssed that he has only been willing to since she is pretty self sufficient and its so easy now. Maybe i shouldn't have shared my feelings with her, but she is getting older and I don't think I did any harm. She needs to see and hear some truth. My heart hurts over it though.

Then today I found out that M is indeed single. How did I find out about that? ON the platform where we met, Bumble. He has put his profile back, and updated it. He used a picture he took for me personally at his borther's wedding when I told him I wanted to see him in his tux. It's on my camera role. The big shocker? He said he wants more kids. He didn't when I was with him. ANd he was very heavily against marriage.

It was really hard to see. It's irrational, but to see his dating profile kicked me in the gut, lso when I thought when he might be in an R, that kicked me in the gut. I guess knowing anything about his life kicks me in the gut. and it's been a year. I have no idea why. Maybe because I am emotional lately.

I don't know why all of this is happening at once. It feels like a test. How much can I take before I break? I have had this test many times before and I always pass. I don't need it. I am just trying ot live my life over here.

And no worries, I did swipe left.