J9 in Da House Ya'll!!

[Dawn70]

I agree with kml that, as the doc's partner, you are in a better position than anyone else to actually broach such a sensitive subject. With all due respect to kml, who is a doctor and a wise woman besides that and who is, no doubt a fantastic parent, and also no disrespect to you, who is a fabulous parent in your own right, but I wouldn't necessarily just assume that he is on the spectrum right off the bat, just because he gets hyper focused and is very literal. I know several people in real life who are very literal and not on the spectrum at all. Alternatively, I know a couple of people who are on the spectrum who don't take things very literally at all. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that being on the spectrum is totally out of the realm of possibilities, but I'm just saying that there are other possibilities as well. As a completely outside observer who doesn't know any of you from Adam, based only on what little information you have given us about son, I would just hazard a wild guess that his being adopted, the only dad he has ever known not being around, his mother (and other female family members) putting him on a pedestal, his not being active in after school programs (when school was still going on) due to his mother's schedule or whatever other issues were there, his high intelligence which probably makes it hard for him to relate to kids his own age anyway, and his lack of opportunity to have play dates and just act like a little boy for whatever reason could all be affecting the way he behaves. The vision I have gotten from several little anecdotes you have shared is that the doc is super overprotective about what he does and how he does it, is super demanding (i.e. learning Spanish and memorizing Bible verses), and all the women spoil him and treat him like a little king. So, it would stand to reason that he would be pretty selfish and spoiled if any of that is even partially true. He's never had to share, never learned to take turns and "work and play well" with others. So, why would that change instantly? I get that it isn't fair to your girls since they have a built in person that they must share with. Maybe it is something he'll grow out of or maybe he'll be a spoiled and entitled teenager...who knows?

I get that you are not his step-parent and don't want to insert yourself into that role and I applaud you for that. You likely will be in that role in the future if things continue as they are at present, but right now, you aren't and it can be a difficult place to be. I may be wrong and I may be in the minority, but I am not sure you do yourself, the doc and your relationship, or her son for that matter, any favors when you don't at least bring things up to her and try to discuss. Someone commented on one of your other recent posts that these things take time and that some things won't even really get ironed out unless/until you actually live together and I totally agree about that, but I think that talking about some things now might smooth that transition about if and when the time comes. The doc seems like a bit of a contradiction in terms to me, again, based solely on your accounts of some things. You say she is strong, independent, smart, driven. She's clearly business oriented and I would presume a decent doctor if she was able to open her own practice. But I recall you telling a story awhile back where she basically told her son that you were the man of the house. That seems like an odd attitude for someone who is so staunchly independent and wants to do things for herself and I wonder if son gets some similar mixed messages. He loves his dad, but you say the doc was very hard on her XH. Did son see or hear that? Maybe he has some fears that if he doesn't "measure up" she'll be mean to him too? (Totally grasping at straws here, not at all saying I think the doc would actually be mean to her child.)

I don't know....I'm really just rambling. it sounds like y'all are in a good place and that other than the issues with her son, it is pretty smooth sailing. I keep hoping that once y'all get into a routine, so to speak, that he'll settle in too. Having a strong male role model around certainly can't hurt, even if it is someone who doesn't have the same interests.