I'm officially in a high-conflict D. It's bad. Doing my best to keep the kids sheltered from the conflict.
I know both parties will say "it's not me" but honestly... it's not me!
I always thought people in these situations act out like the couple in "War of the Roses"... fighting over every little minor thing. That's just not the case for us.
What this is, and why I hope my story is useful for others here right now, is a fight over "the truth." And isn't that what every LBS/WAS situation comes down to?
My WAW has a narrative: I'm a monster. She's a victim. Full stop.
I have my own narrative. My W resents me for moving. She has rewritten the last 4-5 years of our life to blame me 100% for her unhappiness.
I'm sorry to hear that, U.
You are doing the right thing by keeping your kids sheltered - good!
Motivational post inbound: Remember - it's her drama. It's her problem. You are not involved in that problem or that drama. That is not your reality and that is not your responsibility anymore - you keep even and steady and strong in the hurricane. Let your kids see how strong you are. Don't let W get to you. It's not your crisis or whatever. Be AMOAFWL.
Originally Posted by unchien
Whenever it appears we might resolve an issue in our D, my W will come with NEW allegations, overblown exaggerations from the past, and on and on. It's stunning and honestly scary, and I never know what's coming next. It seems manipulative and calculated most of the time, although I tend to think what is happening is that she has grabbed on so tightly to her narrative to justify her actions that letting go would be akin to self-annihilation.
Don't mind-read, its wasting your time. be steady and strong
Originally Posted by unchien
I used to care about what she thought. I used to hope we could at least communicate better so we could co-parent effectively and give our kids a chance. I gave up months ago. It's not up to me. I'll keep acting in accordance to my values, and leave the door open (for co-parenting, not R, just to be clear). But I won't be looking over my shoulder. It's sad for our kids, but it takes two.
At one point in mediation a few months back my W said "I believe you can redeem yourself" or something to that effect. That is the moment I knew I no longer cared about her narrative. It was so patronizing. I don't know care what happened to her as a child, or in previous relationships, or whether she has a MLC or a hormonal imbalance, or some medical condition. I don't believe the things she says to me. She apologized recently to me, in person, for the first time I can recall, and all I could think was, "She only apologized because her lawyer told her to."
Who knows why she apologized. Compassionate indifference. Distance - leave her to her crisis as much as you can. Spinning those thoughts is a cheeseless tunnel.
Originally Posted by unchien
I sound a bit angry. I guess I am, although I don't really obsess about it or act upon it. I'm okay with my anger. I know I made mistakes in our MR, and I take responsibility for my part. But this D process is absolutely ridiculous at this point. I accepted my MR was over almost a year ago, after a lot of grieving. Now I'm incredibly grateful to the universe for extricating myself from a MR with this person. Not just because of the discord, which may dissipate over a period of years, but because I see things for what they are... she is an uncompromising person who has no skills to work through conflict. I saw it during our MR with her relationships with family, friends, colleagues. I just didn't realize at some point that laser focus would be directed my way. It's more important to her to drag me through the mud than to support our children. That's not on me. Perhaps one day I'll forgive, but I'll never forget.
Understanding may never come. It's ok to be angry. Just don't show it to the kids. At some point things will smooth over and you will have to co-parent with this person for a long time. Best to stand firm with your boundaries, but also to try and mitigate the damage on your side of the street if at all possible. You can't control what she does, but you can control what you do
You sound so strong now U - good on you! Keep going, keep being AMOAFWL and the best dad ever (which you already are)
