No changes on WAW - Pack_19 Part II

[Pack_19]

hi all!

hope you had a great weekend! I was at the beach and had a great time with friends. I have been thinking a lot about the last messages I got from both LH and Sandi about making things worse, stop the fight for my M and how I am no longer the problem here. I want to make things worse but at the same time I have the feeling I might be doing this with the expectation that making things worse will bring some light. Again, I need to control those expectations but I wanted to ask.

At the beginning of this a lot of people told me W needed to experience some things before she would be ready to R, if ever. What do they mean by this? life without me? that single life fantasy?
I have the feeling I am much better but still have the thoughts of getting back together. Sometimes I forget the woman that left me home promised to be faithful and take care of me for the rest of her life. I don't mean this in a vindictive way, I just feel this weight on my chest every time I think about how quickly she gave up, she must have been very unhappy over the last couple of years in Germany.

It's summer and as you can imagine is hard to see all the young and attractive women in summer clothes, some of them do notice me, it is a good feeling but I am tired of keeping these physical needs for me. Not that I dont have the discipline to still wait, it is just frustrating.

I had a chat with W yesterday. She called because her mom fell by accident while holding S2 and he bit his lower lip and has some bad bruises. We talked about the kids and the new clothes I have bought for them. It was a nice conversation, I wonder if these neutral chats help or not. Again, I see other situations where after 1 year spouses are at least talking about other things aside from R, not sure if this is normal but I would like to have more of those conversations.

Long ago I made the decision to stand for my M. I think you are helping me see this has nothing to do with W but it is all about me. I want to keep standing, but it has been a year now and I have not seen a single positive sign from W.

I started reading DR again this weekend. Amazing how you can always find new important lines to keep in your head. I am going to make a new 180 list for me and I will post it here. I miss my children, I miss them badly. I am off to my first IC session now! will report this evening.

Thank you all for your help and support, I need to find more patient within myself