I wrote this on Cardinal’s site but wanted record of it here on mine:
My hiatus was due to work and life taking over but also truthfully because my mind has been stuck in a swirling vortex. I’ve been facing, questioning and reliving so many things. I have been stuck on the following:
-reconciling with the *emotionally painful truthful elements of what he spews and taking TOO MUCH responsibility for it ending our M because of him blaming me and me feeling horrible I didn’t fix things. (ssm) -obsessing over where the man I married went -trying to stop speculating as to why his family and a couple friends specifically have fallen away since March; what is he telling them? -why he is SO focused on selling the house when FA/ separation has not been presented yet -looking ahead without all of the info. This is a big one that spirals me every time. I keep assuming I will not be able to stay in my house $$ ....I don’t know this yet. I think I’ve attached weird feelings of failure to having to leave...when truthfully this house is to big for just me anyway. It’s just that we just finished redoing many things to our liking and it’s my home. I’m super conflicted over this one.
And to sum it all up, the big one is how much longer can I live with him if I don’t get back to letting go and dropping the rope fully. Everything affects me so much again.
Things I’m doing to not help myself: -overhearing, h phone conversation...he might as well be talking through a mega phone he’s so loud ...but I need to start walking away and not *wanting* / caring what he says or is talking about or to whom.....haven’t been able to fully do this yet...part of me feels like knowledge is power, part of me just wants to keep tabs - yet the Dbing part of me screams walk away focus on YOU. I just need to execute that better. Perhaps cardinals headphones are good idea here.
-went down to “his” room to honesty get something the other day and when I opened the door I was greeted with a video camera he’s installed!!!!!! Is he allowed to do that???? I panicked and left but then was smart enough to go back in and get what I came for so it didn’t look suspicious. Really? He’s allowed to roam the house freely but “his” bedroom is off limits to me??? Wow. Ok.
-convincing myself that he just didn’t want to spend time with me. Now that he hasn’t been able to (obsessively) work due to covid he’s been ramping up his outings (away the last few weekends, big trips he packs tonnes of stuff for and has bought all new gear for) things that he knows I love doing and that in the past I feel like he has been “along for the ride during”...how does one not take this personally?
-becoming closer with family when all along I would champion for him to take time off to visit more etc....one day he spewed that I always complain when we get together with his family and that I didn’t like cleaning and cooking - what the????????!!!!!! I went out of my way to plan and make nice meals and enjoyed doing it. MLC talk I guess?
If only we could turn the brain off for a rest like we do a light. Dnj (And others) I can already hear your wise words here of refocus on me. Feel like I’ve taken soooo many steps backwards. BD anniversary is coming up and all the crazy stuff that happened prior to me figuring out what was going on is plaguing me a little right now too.
Hope you’re all well and continue to stay safe and keep loved ones safe. Xo Kindly
