Yep drh, Sandi is spot on...... Because she's been there done that. Almost all WWs follow this script and description.
My W is a Sunday school teacher. She never stopped going to church. When I discovered her EA she immediately said she wanted a D. I think part of that was to scare me into backing off and letting her cake eat. Within 2 weeks of BD, where I had discovered messages stating her and OM had discussed things and exchanged pictures, things and pictures his GF wouldn't aligned approve of, and after denying anything but innocent exchanges, she was in the guest bathroom taking nude pictures for OM. And even after he ended it because he chose his GF over my W, she was on the prowl for OM#2 after a few days of mourning loss of OM#1.
All the time playing house with me and my daughter. Wanting her cake and eat it too. OM#1 was an ex con, unemployed living with his elderly father. Potential OM#2 was a security guard making a little over minimum wage. So she needed me to maintain her lifestyle, but as Sandi says, she needed the OM for emotional and ego boosting.
The way I turned things around was by not trying to turn things around. By focusing on me. And by doing things that started to burst her bubble. I see you've had a lot of "talks" with her. Talk does nothing. You have to show action. I started to support her "plan". I supported her finding a job. I spoke to a D attorney and began to plan to file for D myself. I started looking at putting the house on the market (her plan was for me to keep the house so our daughter's home would not change). That also let her know that playing house would be impossible post D. She asked me at one point where I planned to live and I told her with a friend of mine. This burst her bubble about our daughter living with me full-time, and spending the night at her new place occasionally. I insisted that we'd do 50/50 custody.
Bursting the bubble, taking her cake, shattering her vision of how things would work slowly shook her from her wayward fog. I remember when she questioned me selling the house, I told her "it isn't fair that you get to move on to a new life, but expect me not to". This made her realize that I was going to move on too. And she could see the actions I was taking were going to allow me to do that.
I guess what I'm saying is that the key was that I was doing things to show her I was not going to cater to her wants and wishes, that I was ok with moving on without her, and that I was going to do what I thought was best and wanted. Regardless of how she felt about it!! And with the prospects of the other men she was choosing, her life was not going to be what she dreamed it would be.
When the LBH starts to stand up for himself, starts to show that he is willing to move on, and his actions show all of that, the WW's respect for him starts to return. This is why that get mad and sad when the cake starts to go away. Because they may not like you or what you are doing, but by golly they will have to respect you for it. And when respect returns....eventually so to will the attraction. Even if they don't want it to.
Last edited by Steve85; 08/02/2002:41 AM.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
