I don’t know that I have the mental fortitude to really properly construct this list, but I need an outlet . Lots of things going on lately. I’ll skip the details of my love life or lack thereof for now. There is stuff to say, but not important right now.
My D came home from vacation today. She came back to my house right before I got home from work. In Italy it was a great first hour and a half. Then I realized she was sniffling and it turned out she was crying. She was on and off in hysterics for hours because coming off so much time and fun with her dad left her missing him. She says she missed me so much when I was gone, but misses her dad so much when she’s home and it’s just not fair, because she never gets to spend a lot of time with him. I validated and I hugged her and I went tot he bathroom to cry.
I did ask her if she wants me to talk to her dad about spending more time there. At first she said no because she does t want less time with me. Then later on she said yes. She wants me to ask him to take more time. It breaks my heart, kills me, and I don’t want to do it. But I would for her
I can’t bear to see my baby hurt. That hurts me. And I hurt for myself because I was so happy to see her and so happy to have her home and I spent my whole night consoling her while that dick head has not a care in the world. And I have to give up time with her. And he’s going to feel like king dad because of it all.
I can’t give her the vacations. I can’t give her the getaway family experience. I can only give her love and stability and a true home.
I am so angry. I am just so so angry. I am sick of being the better person. I want to tell him he is a POS. I want to tell his wife the same. I want to tell D12, she’s right, he’s a Cheater. I want them to go to he ll
But I would never do any of that. Because I actually do throw myself in front of a bus for my child. And trust me, I feel like I’m being hit by one. I feel the pain of it . And doing this alone emotionally is so difficult. It’s wearing me down to the bone. I feel so helpless. And quite frankly, as cheesy as it sounds I need someone to just hug me so tight and let me sob. But nope, i don’t get that either.
I realized I was drinking way too much. Never got drunk but my one to two glasses of wine a night because 2-3. And I know it’s not healthy for me, it’s also empty calories. But I realized it was taking the edge off just a little for me since I decided to stop. Only going to enjoy out or socially for a little while. I haven’t had a drink in 3 days. And I’ve been fine, up until now. I realize I want to reach for SOMETHING for comfort. And I’ve got nothing. My exercise is fine because I can’t even walk. I’m really trying to watch what I eat. All my coping mechanisms are gone. So it stinks a little extra
