Weird Question

[DnJ]

Good Morning PLC

Consider various financial scenarios, as kml suggested. Keep to intellect and logic when comparing; look at the math not the emotion.

Then consider your feelings with the various scenarios. Realizing that feelings do flit. The excitement of a new place will only last so long. As would the sadness of leaving the old place.

We are beings of rational and irrational. Happiness come from balance.

The ghost of the past, living within those walls, is something you need to think about. However, my view is a little different - I like the ghosts and memories.

I have a big house, large yard, and the kids love coming home. None of the ghost/memories haunt me. Absolutely none of them. For a while, before acceptance, that was not so. Do remember feelings change; look to your beliefs.

Consider you, when you are passed this mess. A house is sticks and bricks. A home is within your heart. You’ll find the balance between rational and irrational.

He does not have a pension. This is the crux of this. We walk away and I will get half of social security when he’s old enough to take it.

With no pension, no other large assets, it does simplify your scenarios and limit your financial options.

I think with my job and alimony I could take care of the house. Maybe a roommate as suggested, possibly even our daughter if she does not move out right away. (She will be living here in the near future while looking for a job)

You think you could. That’s good.

Now, finish your spreadsheet and know that you could or could not. Know if you need a roommate or not. Knowledge is power.

The attorney echoed what so many here have said, that to get them to put in writing what they want to do while the guilt is fresh. I’m torn because, I feel if I do, I am conceding to a divorce. If I don’t and we still divorce later, my money options could be a lot less.

Yes, their guilt usually does yield a better offer from them.

Is there separation in your state? Where I live, you have to separate for at least a year before applying for divorce. A financial separation can give you the financial security you need.

Also, do not get too worried and ahead of yourself - ensure you aren’t putting the cart before the horse. MLCers say lots of stuff and have grand ideas, and usually move rather slowly. There are some rare exceptions, my XW for example. Her BD was a nuke.

He really doesn’t want to be with me. Maybe there isn’t another woman. Maybe this is all me. I am the cause of his unhappiness.

If not, then why can’t he love me? Why can’t he talk to me? Why not work it out?

The percentage of MLCers that have affairs is staggering. The OW means nothing. She is a bandaid, an escape, a futile attempt to feel better. It will end in ruin.

No one is the cause of anyone else’s happiness or unhappiness. Ever! Happiness, or the lack of, comes from within.

He can’t love you because he can love himself right now; he is in crisis.

He can’t talk to you because he is a complete mix of emotions, torment, and pain. He feels crazy! (My W actual told me she though she was going crazy. Of course she took that as a sign of her being clearly sane since a crazy person wouldn’t think that. Lol. You just can’t reason with a MLCer)

He can’t work it out. “It” being his unknown and unrealized past trauma causing his torment. The “it” you refer to - your marriage and relationship - is not on his radar. He is in crisis and absolutely driven to run. His emotions are out of control and he has no idea why. And you, my dear girl, were in the line of fire, and got blamed.

I just think that he is too far gone. I know that means take care of me, but I WANT HIM. What is the matter with me? Why am I not enough?

I know these are questions no one can answer, they aren’t him. But I think I’m great, friendly, curious, presentable always waning to learn more. I just don’t understand how someone can blow up their life like this.

No, he is not too far gone. It is too early to tell. The future is thankfully unknown; let it reveal itself in time.

Ask your self - do you think he is too far gone or do you feel he is? I suspect you were speaking from your feelings. That’s good, by the way. Just be accurate with your thought and heart.

Know your intellect and know your emotions. You will craft and alter each independently and correctly when you see them clearly. They influence your beliefs and convictions. Be accurate, it really helps.

There is nothing wrong with you. Of course you WANT HIM. See accurately - him is H of old. The new H is different.

Realize the emotional feedback and coupling you are reinforcing by your questions of if you’re enough and what’s wrong with me. You are blaming yourself. Perfectly normal. Been there too.

Mental assertiveness comes from remaining accurate. That assertiveness strengthens your focus on you, moves you forward, let’s go, works through fear, and so on.

It’s complete normal for one to want to understand how their spouse can blow up their life. It’s ok, just don’t get caught up in his narrative, don’t fall down the rabbit hole too. We all need a certain amount of understand to let go. Remember focus on you; too much focus on H will drive you bonkers.


Fear. It is paralyzing. It is an irrational response.

Fear lives in the future. It thrives in the obsession over possible future outcomes of events. Fear does not live in the past or present. Once something actually happens, becomes real, there is nothing left to fear. Be accurate. One needs mental assertiveness to see clearly.

To become fearless one must understand fear. See where and when it lives.

Fear is not direct. It is a tangled feedback from an imagined outcome triggered by an event, thought, word, conversation, whatever. It is imagined.

Now, imagined doesn’t mean not real. Oh no, fear is very much real. It is just triggered by your imagined future, and reinforced from emotions irrationally tied to the triggering event.

Example. Fear of the dark. It is not the absence of photons we fear. Consider that. Do you fear the darkness when you close your eyes? No. One fears what lurked unseen in the darkness of night. But do we fear the lurking? No, we fear what those imagined demons and monsters would (will) do to us. We fear hurt, pain, death.

A sudden dark room brings forth these triggered responses. Our unrealized responses to imagined personal harm, pain, or death is irrationally tied and gets reinforced when one is immersed in darkness. We incorrectly fear the dark.

Fighting our fear directly doesn’t work, for it’s not the darkness we fear. You come at this sideways. Uncouple the fear response from the trigger. Go out on dark nights and enjoy the stars, the sounds, the beauty of the cosmos. Create new feedbacks and stop the reinforcement to the imagined idea of personnel harm. Fear is a feeling and will flit when not reinforced.

Find what and how you reinforce your fear and uncouple it.

Consider your list:

1 We will divorce

2 he will remarry

3 he will be happy and realize it WAS me that made him unhappy and it isnt MLC

4 we will not grow old together

5 we will have to move

6 I will be alone and die alone because he left me

7 I will not have someone love me like a husband should

8 people will pity me

9 he will have a great time without me

10 I will never drop the rope

11 he will eventually lie more and not let me keep all he said I could

What do you imagine happening with each of these? The deeper emotion.

I am interested in your response. I did share many of these same fears and would like to hear your views, before just going on with my own uncoupling suggested practices.

Hoping you have a great day.

D