Originally Posted by cardinal
I am trying not to rewrite our history to match his rewriting, but I am grieving what I thought the M was. I am asking whether he was pretending to be happy at point X or Y—how many of my memories are based on the assumption that H was showing me his true self when he wasn’t??.... I think his arguing that he was never happy (and the fact that the bits he uses as evidence are sometimes founded in reality) has messed with my ability to separate old H from new H. In other words, I thought I had done that, but now I feel instead like I was mistaken. This new H is who he was all along, this miserable, unsatisfied H; he simply couldn’t admit it to himself or me. So I was caught in a lie if the M without knowing it until now.

I’m caught in this circle where nothing makes sense—not even that he must have been happy, or he wouldn’t have endured for so long. Not even that makes sense.


You’re right, maybe there is no new H or old H. Maybe he’s always been this way but has not been truthful. I wonder sometimes about my H too. This new him must have already existed, but now it’s probably just magnified. Whatever the case is, let it go. Keep the good memories, as for the rest - let it go. Acknowledge, accept, let it go. It is pointless. What is a true self anyway? I believe we are all made of different pieces, possibly even conflicting pieces...we all have struggles within us. But sometimes one side wins, sometimes the other side wins. My conclusion about my H is that he is flawed, and weak. He claims to be a man of principles, but he fails again and again by his own principles. Nothing makes sense. Don’t try to make sense of anything related to your H. It just doesn’t work.

Here’s something from my book of quotes, may be helpful when you’re dealing with H on a daily basis:

“If you feel irritated, they want attention.
If you feel angry/hurt, they want revenge.
If you feel powerless, they are feeling powerless.
If you feel insufficient, they feel insufficient.”

Happy belated birthday!!!


BD: Sep 2019
D in progress