I’ve been married to my wife for 10 years, and we have a 6 yr old son. The last four years haven’t been good. We’ve been in and out of counseling. Most of our issues are just arguing and at least with me, depression fueled that led to a downward spiral of job losses and more depression etc. She has a really good job, and makes way more than i can even if i have a job. It doesn’t bother her that she makes more money, but that i haven’t kept a steady job. Years of arguing and my job situation had taken a toll, and few months ago she told me that she didn’t know if or think that our marriage could be saved. She did not mention divorce or separation.
At around that time I had started on what turns out to be very good medical regimen for my depression and this has helped a great great deal. I was able to lift the foggy veil that was constantly clouding my judgement.
A month ago I scheduled an appointment for us with our marriage counselor. During that season my wife said on a scale of 1-10 she was a 1 in regards to our marriage. She repeated her sentiments, she didn’t think the marriage could be saved etc. again, no mention of divorce/separation. I owned up for not being the best husband/father i could be. I needed to work on being the best version of me. That said, I was crushed during this call, as I didn’t think or want to believe she truly was this far gone. After that call I began to do all the wrong things, pleading, being needy, clingy, wanting reassurances. I did some dumb thing about wanting to sign a contract that would show I’m serious and she told me if this this won’t work or words to that effect.
The counselor asked to meet with just me next time. It was around this time i found this site, and began to apply the advice within. I got and read The Divorce Remedy. I have used conflict resolution skills to work on being the best version of myself I can be. I haven’t once asked her how she felt about us, or used guilt, or anything of the sort. I stay positive, and upbeat.
I have had three solo sessions with the counselor which have went very well. She said she was proud of me at the progress I have made. At home me and the wife have had few if any arguments. Things are more than cordial; friendly even. We are doing better parenting wise with our 6 yr old son. My son wanted to go to the beach, so we went on a beach weekend trip that was fun, and relaxing, and had no real drama. The counselor now wants to meet with my wife solo, which my wife gladly said she would, and I’m scared as to what’s going to come out of that.
I’ve read so many stories here of relationships that seemed to be in much worse places come back and be saved. That gives me hope. I’m not giving up. But all relationships are different. People are different.
Here’s the issue;
Things with me and the wife still need to improve, sure, but they aren’t bad right now, and more importantly they are quite a bit better than a few months ago. We live together, have jokes, take care of our son. We sleep in the same bed on most nights (nights we don’t it’s because she accidentally crashes with my son watching TV n his room. But, we don’t have sex, nor do we say I love you anymore.
I have no definitive idea where she’s at in regards to our future. Is she trying to file for divorce? Is she coming around? What are the chances she comes around? Does she sound like someone who’s is truly done? I know what I’ve done so far is good, but is it truly helping, I don’t know.
I just want a good shot in the arm. I want to know that I am on the right track, but that Dreadful feeling is coming back. I want reassurances, but I need to accept that those probably aren’t coming anytime soon.
ATL, welcome to the board. I like a lot of what I am reading here. It seems like you've personally turned over a new leaf, and have an awesome life to live ahead of you! However, I fear that many of your changes are simply to save your MR, and making changes for that reason do not typically result in lasting, permanent changes. So I encourage you to continue to improve.....FOR YOU. IC (since the lone MC sessions seemed to go well), getting additional education to improve your job prospects, and working on being happy alone. It is nearly impossible to be in a happy marriage until you are healthy, happy individual yourself.
So continue to focus on you. On being the best you you can be. Being the best father that you can be.
Another reason that I fear your changes are just to save your MR is because of statements like this: "But, we don’t have sex, nor do we say I love you anymore." Your focus should not be there right now. Obviously DB rules say not to initiate sex, nor to say ILY. If she initiates then it is okay to engage with no expectations or meaning attached. And it is okay to say ILY2 after she says ILY first.
on this:
" have no definitive idea where she’s at in regards to our future. Is she trying to file for divorce? Is she coming around? What are the chances she comes around? Does she sound like someone who’s is truly done? I know what I’ve done so far is good, but is it truly helping, I don’t know. "
That is what limbo is. We have saying, when she wants to reconcile you will know, when they don't you will be confused. Time is your friend. As you point out, there are situations a lot worse than yours. With WASs in open affairs, moved out, and filing for D.
One thing that makes me think you are still in denial is you stated this twice: "she told me that she didn’t know if or think that our marriage could be saved. She did not mention divorce or separation. "
What do you think it means when someone says they don't think the marriage can be saved? To live in limbo forever? Marriage is a binary state. Either you are married or you are not. So while she didn't say "DIVORCE" what she was saying was divorce. Marriage is saved = staying married. Marriage not saved = getting a divorce. Sorry to be blunt, but your W was telling you she wanted a divorce, but without using the word.
One other thing to think about: "Things with me and the wife still need to improve, sure, but they aren’t bad right now, and more importantly they are quite a bit better than a few months ago. We live together, have jokes, take care of our son. We sleep in the same bed on most nights"
DBing is about limiting engagement with your WAS. This is why you should be focusing on GAL, working on your changes and making sure they are cemented, and detachment. It sounds like you are around too much. One rule I like to give to LBS is that when you aren't with your children, then you are out being busy. The more she misses you the better off you will be.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
