Great input, thanks! Please correct me if I'm off track, I'm new here, and also new at the concept of saving a seemingly doomed marriage.
I should say that my wife didn't ask to have a meeting with our therapist, and likely didn't expect it. However, she seemed glad to speak with her again. My only reservation is that I don't want her to inadvertently dig her heels in. But, like you said I doubt it moves the needle in either direction.
Getting back into a workout routine, and doing stuff around the house, instead of doing it for her, I'm doing it for me. I am doing it because I want my house and body to be improved in that way. If she wants to notice it, and determines that it's genuine positive change, leading us closer to reconcile, or if I'm just doing it just to win her back, that's ultimately up to her, but again my mindset is that I am doing it for me.
This has a few benefits.
When you are being the best version of yourself for you, you'll better develop self confidence, and self control. Assuming that you and your spouse will one day reconcile, there *will be* setbacks towards reconciliation. Only with the self confidence and self control developed from being the best version of yourself FOR YOU will you be able to properly internally manage that set back. If you are doing it for her, set backs and rejections will leave devastated; you'll lose any momentum until you get more wins which will be harder to come by since the wind is out of your sails, so you get more depressed, etc...
If you both set out a plan to reconcile you'll be in a routine that exists for you, and not dependent on her, and thus far more likely to stick with your plan. Otherwise to your point, you'll regress back feeling that the mission is over.
Your total body language is different when you're just doing it for her vs truly attacking the day and being the best version of yourself *for you;* making you more genuine, and not clingy or desperate.
Chris Rock once said that when you first go on a date, or job interview you're not meeting that person, you're meeting that person's representative. I like the think that is because when we go on that date, or that job interview, we are imagining that best version of ourselves, and putting it out there for everyone to hear. So, why not just be that person, attack the day; but it has to be for you! Not to get a second date, not to just land the job, but FOR YOU.
This is one big thing that has me where I'm at. There was no focus on me being the best me, for me. It was always being the best worker for my boss, or being the best student for my parents, and being the best husband for my wife. The problem is that it leaves you vulnerable to set backs as I mentioned above. If you're being the best version of you for you, brushing off the dirt and finishing the day/week/month strong is all the easier; if you're doing it for someone else, it's damn near impossible.
"I will not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. I will face my fear. I will let it pass over me. When the fear has gone, there shall be nothing. Only I will remain."
