Dreadfully Optimistic

[LH19]

ATL I am sorry you are here but this is the place to be when you are going through the stuff you are right now.

The last four years haven’t been good. We’ve been in and out of counseling. Most of our issues are just arguing and at least with me, depression fueled that led to a downward spiral of job losses and more depression etc.

Never ever argue with a woman

She has a really good job, and makes way more than i can even if i have a job. It doesn’t bother her that she makes more money, but that i haven’t kept a steady job.

I am willing to bet good money it bothers her

Years of arguing and my job situation had taken a toll, and few months ago she told me that she didn’t know if or think that our marriage could be saved. She did not mention divorce or separation.

So what do you think she means when she says that your marriage cant be saved?

At around that time I had started on what turns out to be very good medical regimen for my depression and this has helped a great great deal. I was able to lift the foggy veil that was constantly clouding my judgement.

Great!

A month ago I scheduled an appointment for us with our marriage counselor. During that season my wife said on a scale of 1-10 she was a 1 in regards to our marriage.

Not so great

She repeated her sentiments, she didn’t think the marriage could be saved etc. again, no mention of divorce/separation.

I will ask the question again. So what do you think she means when she says that your marriage cant be saved?

I owned up for not being the best husband/father i could be. I needed to work on being the best version of me.

Great!

That said, I was crushed during this call, as I didn’t think or want to believe she truly was this far gone. After that call I began to do all the wrong things, pleading, being needy, clingy, wanting reassurances. I did some dumb thing about wanting to sign a contract that would show I’m serious and she told me if this this won’t work or words to that effect.

Not so great

The counselor asked to meet with just me next time. It was around this time i found this site, and began to apply the advice within. I got and read The Divorce Remedy. I have used conflict resolution skills to work on being the best version of myself I can be. I haven’t once asked her how she felt about us, or used guilt, or anything of the sort. I stay positive, and upbeat.

Great!

I have had three solo sessions with the counselor which have went very well. She said she was proud of me at the progress I have made. At home me and the wife have had few if any arguments. Things are more than cordial; friendly even. We are doing better parenting wise with our 6 yr old son. My son wanted to go to the beach, so we went on a beach weekend trip that was fun, and relaxing, and had no real drama.

Great!

The counselor now wants to meet with my wife solo, which my wife gladly said she would, and I’m scared as to what’s going to come out of that.

What are you afraid of ATL?

I’ve read so many stories here of relationships that seemed to be in much worse places come back and be saved. That gives me hope. I’m not giving up. But all relationships are different. People are different.

Yes

Things with me and the wife still need to improve, sure, but they aren’t bad right now, and more importantly they are quite a bit better than a few months ago. We live together, have jokes, take care of our son. We sleep in the same bed on most nights (nights we don’t it’s because she accidentally crashes with my son watching TV n his room.

Progress is good

But, we don’t have sex, nor do we say I love you anymore.

This is the true sign of where you are at right now.

I have no definitive idea where she’s at in regards to our future. Is she trying to file for divorce? Is she coming around? What are the chances she comes around? Does she sound like someone who’s is truly done? I know what I’ve done so far is good, but is it truly helping, I don’t know.

Maybe. Maybe. 6.7% Sounds like it. Maybe

I just want a good shot in the arm. I want to know that I am on the right track, but that Dreadful feeling is coming back. I want reassurances, but I need to accept that those probably aren’t coming anytime soon.

ATL you definitely are not going to get the reassurances you are looking for right now. This is a marathon and not a sprint so you better buckle your seatbelt for the journey. I can already tell you need to get emotionally stronger before any progress is made.

Do you suspect an affair?