PLC - 1) Your H is leaving because he has a hole inside that he is trying to fill. But wherever he goes, there he is. He can’t solve his problems by trying to outrun them. You are not the cause if his unhappiness - you were together for 30 years, clearly he wasn’t unhappy with you all that time.
My ex and I were together 26 years. He always had problems with dissatisfaction with life, always looking for the next adventure, the next high. Infatuation alleviates that pain - temporarily. I figure I got more good years out of my marriage than most people do, and he probably wouldn’t have made it 26 years with someone else.
He’s remarried now to a cute Asian American chick who is 19 years younger than him. He owns a duplex a block from his favorite surf break. Looks like he has everything. BUT - after 9 years together, I imagine her little girl act may be wearing thin when he was used to being married to a strong intellectual equal. And his dream life hasn’t gone as planned. After a couple years of hanging out with her 30-something friends, life went sideways. Her mom died triggering a depression. Her father they discovered had dementia and they moved him to their place, then he needed major surgery, then they moved him to her brothers because he was wandering the neighborhood. Meanwhile my ex’s father was diagnosed with lung cancer and he was flying back and forth across the country to attend to that, his mother’s husband died and his mom was diagnosed with Parkinson’s. Then this year ex was taking his early retirement - at his job, you take the early retirement then work per diem 2-3 days a week for the same total income as you made working full time. Except - he developed back pain requiring surgery, which resulted in terrible nerve pain unfixed by a second surgery, and he hasn’t been able to work at all (or surf, which was always his antidepressant). That perfect looking post divorce life hasn’t been all it seemed.
Meanwhile, in that same time, I learned to play the drums in a pop punk cover band for several years. I also began playing vibraphone and have toured several times with a professional singer songwriter who is my best friend. I’ve met many famous musicians and even played as part of a concert in Central Park in NYC.
My dating life has been - well - a bit of an adventure, but EVERY man I have dated since my divorce appreciated me better than my ex did. (The sex has also been quite fantastic I’m still friends with most of them.
I’ve traveled extensively since my divorce with my mom (now passed) and my sister. London, Paris, Rome, Ireland, Scotland, East Coast, Canada. (We save up and get great deals). I expect to travel again with my sister after the pandemic.
Life hasn’t been all rosy. My ex has left me to deal with our adult children, who all have issues and 2 of the 3 live with n me. But their relationships with me are close, while their fathers relationships with them are troubled due only to his actions since the divorce.
My income is much less than my ex’s but because I’m better at handling my money, I’m the one who can help our kids while he always cries poor. (His income before retirement, between him and his wife, was probably close to 400k a year after he paid me alimony. Don’t ask me what he spent it all on!)
I live within my means, have close relationships with friends and family, have had fantastic adventures, have a steady boyfriend who thinks I am the bees knees.
What I’m saying is - there IS life after divorce if you go after it. Divorce made me kind of fearless - I mean, after losing that person you thought you were going to be with forever, nothing else seemed that bad. Boyfriend breakup? Hey, it was only a year, not 26 years, and fun while it lasted. Get on stage and risk making a fool of myself on the drums? Who cares! I’m a middle aged woman, Gutsy enough to play the drums, I’ve already won!
My divorce wasn’t about me - I was a kind, loving, accommodating, funny, sexy spouse. It was about his depression and fear of missing out and fear of aging, and his inability to be satisfied even with a great life. All he could see was my imperfections and the fact that somebody else had even MORE than what we had. (And we had a lot!)
You are not inferior - if you were, he wouldn’t have stayed with you for 30 years. Use this opportunity to grow and become your best self, free if any judgment from him.
(Also, for a laugh, watch She-Devil with Roseanne Barr.)
I’m still friends with most of them.