I’ve gotten a lot of those same apologies— you don’t deserve this, I’m sorry to do this to you, you crying is Kryptonite for me and I’ll do anything to prevent you from feeling this pain, i hate that I lied. Etc. but what I have never gotten is a heartfelt I wish I never did this, I regret it all.
So as to the regret no he hasn't come out and said that. And honestly I kind of hope he doesn't. I don't regret it all. I don't think he should either. He should regret what he put his kids through. He should regret some of the awful sh!t he said to me. He should regret putting people who are barely involved in our lives in the middle of this mess because he didn't understand what discreet meant. But I wouldn't even want him to regret it all because I don't. I learned so much about him, and us, and myself because of this. I wouldn't want there to be a desire to have never had this happen in our lives on either of our parts. It was a horrible mess. It was traumatic as h3ll. But all in all, 8 months of our lives. That's just about 10% of our time together and the longer we go on that number will dwindle. If he's learned half as much as I have about himself, and us, and me then I'm fine with out 100% regret. I don't want to be who I was before this any more. I don't want the MR we had before this any more either. I'd like to see more remorse over all, but regret isn't what I need.
Originally Posted by may22
I guess I’m waiting for the rending of the clothes and beating of the chest and begging for forgiveness. Which won’t ever come. I just want to get to a place where he sees it as a big mistake. That he really f-ed up and is GD lucky to have a wife who is still here. Do you feel your H is sorry like that? (Again just really curious).
I know he feels he's lucky I stayed, that I waited, that I gave him the space to fall on his face and pick himself up back again, that I held his hand through the grieving process. He doesn't really articulate much. He does, however, stare at me. Just looks at me like I'm magic. Which I haven't seen in a very, very long time. Pulls me in to hug me and say I love you. Asks me if I love him like 8 times a day. Maybe he'll come out and say it at one point. Maybe he'll just keep showing me. I don't know. My hope is he can articulate that when we start talking about things in depth.
Originally Posted by Pommy99
It's interesting that you ask this question May. I had an email drop into my inbox earlier and apparently everyone has an Apology Language. I took the quiz and the questions and results were quite interesting. (My apology language is needing that person to express regret for the emotional pain that they have caused (as opposed to, say, requiring an explanation, or offer payback/fixing).
I think I need the explanation. I think that's part of the deal here. I've spent so much of my life without apologies or explanations that I don't even need the regret, I just need answers.
Originally Posted by Pommy99
I have had apologies from H about hurting me, but nothing near begging foregiveness, and they're certainly not daily, and probably not even weekly. I do know that he still harbours a lot of pain himself about the SSM, and I feel he does still justify his behaviours as an output from that. I do in part agree that at the start of the EA it was more excusable than 10 months later when he was still lying and being deceptive. I'm now asking myself if I have given H the right kind of apology for the pain I caused him.
I'd have to say that it's pretty likely I'll never see that kind of begging apology. Nor will I get the daily or weekly professions of remorse. I just don't see that happening. At this point I just want answers and introspection. I don't need groveling. And while there was no SSM on my side in our MR, my depression and how long I went without treatment really took a toll on him and us and that's something I need to properly apologize for. But like a SSM the way he chose to deal with it isn't on me. He never even so much as bothered to google partners with depression. He's even confessed that until recently he thought I was just being stuck up avoiding his friends, or lazy. He's just now getting a handle on the fact that I literally couldn't. That showering was truly difficult for me at that time. That I was using all I had energy-wise to keep my job and keep the kids afloat. I had nothing left to give after that. To him or myself much less any one else.
I know we have a long way to go digging through my depression just as much as we do the A. I was really, really bad for the better part of 2 years but was probably battling for closer to 4 years. I very much disappeared into my mental illness. I know that was hard for him to fall in love with some one and watch her just disappear. Not change or grow, but just no longer exist. We need to unpack that. And I need to own letting it go on way too long before getting help, because he has no responsibility for that. Maybe that's why I don't have any expectations of full regret or even 100% remorse. I was already killing our MR before he decided to put the nail in the coffin. Everything as I can see it, happened exactly they way it needed to. I needed to dive head first into intensive treatment. I needed a wake up call. I needed to find myself again. I needed to do so with out the hindrance of focusing on my MR too. He needed to know if he made the wrong call 7 years ago. He needed us to have the big ugly break up to figure out this is where he should be. D16 needed me around as a safety net for that time in her life. Maybe we could've gotten here in a better way. Maybe not.
