No changes on WAW - Pack_19 Part II

[Pack_19]

hi all!

Just a couple of reflections I need to speak out and I feel here is the place.

This morning I was reading bits of my last interactions with W via whatsapp. Aside from noticing how pathetic I have been lately I noticed the last time there was a positive interaction was May 17. That was the famous day she said I only have to love her and there is no need to compensate the pain and she let me approach her. I have been holding onto that conversation like a life saving vest in the middle of the ocean. It has been a long time and after covid lockdown our relationship has worsened. She is fully NC unless about the kids, what you all have recommended time and time so I guess I need to finally drop that conversation as something strange that happened but means nothing and move on.

Yesterday night W video called S6 from a bar, she is always out as you can imagine when not with the kids, she asked him many times if S6 missed her. S6 replied consistently that he does not so much and that he has a better time with me. I dont see this as a fight for their love, it just made me incredibly proud and gave me a bit of positive reinforcement that I am indeed changing (I was very nervous at home and time to time I would tell him off in very impatient or aggressive manners) for the better. So she went on to ask him many times if he was joking or meant it. S6 kept replying he wants to be with me and W ended up saying he just made her really sad over and over. I was hearing while cooking and I felt like shouting quit manipulating S6 as well please. Am I being unreasonable?

The worst about this is that I am sure she thinks I put ideas in S6 heads that he is better with me, that is what hurts the most. Because you know I am the enemy. I know I show here a lot of attachment to W and focus on her but when I do gain clarity I am focused on 3 things. My personal growth, being the best father I can be and my goals in the PIES. We have fun playing lego, spyro on the ps4, swimming, playing at the beach, with the bike... not that I need to explain or justify it to you, just my personal reflections.

Why am I jealous of the many times she is out at the bars? I had a chat with a good friend yesterday, he told em if I want a chance at either getting W back or overcoming she moving on from me I need to get emotionally stronger. Sports, my job and time with friends.

I have been thinking about the message I got from the way of the superior man. We must have a goal and purpose above our R. What is mine? My dream was to work in Formula 1, that is not feasible now given the situation with the kids, what defines me then? Is being a great father enough to make you the man you want to be? not sure it is. I have a lot of thinking to do from Pack's shoes. I hope my IC helps me with that. I have been feeling like I lost the best thing I had in my life, maybe not a healthy thought.

I want to change some furniture. Specially the main room, it is just too much. We bought all when she moved in with me to the UK, it is cheap Ikea stuff and it just makes me think. I dont want to be in a house that makes me think about W. I will change the entire master bedroom, some bits in the living room and then go full saving mode for the car I want to buy. I have started to plan activities for this weekend as it will be the first one without C for the month of August.

Hope everyone is doing great. Time passes, no news from WAW, as normal. I need to become the man I want to be and build an amazing life.