Last Thursday W asked me if I was attending the meeting on Saturday with our Pastor. I didn't know anything about a meeting, and said so. W then became apprehensive that they wanted to kick her butt. She said she was 'resigned' to losing her place in the music ministry over her decision to D me. W said that if they were going to kick her out of the church, I should be kicked out too. I told W I'm sure no one is being kicked out.
Out of nowhere W brought up the book of Malachi (the one in which God says "I hate divorce") and explained it was just a historical record of the time some Jewish men took foreign wives, etc. She then told me that Bible had been translated by men and a lot of scripture had been changed by the patriarchy in order to oppress women. I told her that if God is real then we have to trust Him to safeguard the accuracy of His word. What I didn't say was that it concerns me that W, who has always been a faithful believer, is now using arguments to discount scripture and place it as merely the (possibly inaccurate) testimony of men rather than the living Word. As someone else said to me, rather than alter her decision to line up with the Word, W has made an emotional decision and is looking for justification.
We actually had a laugh and a bit of a cry during our conversation and there was even a tiny bit of flirtiness/innuendo. During the talk W mentioned two things -
She thought it was 'strange' that I wanted to make love 'a lot' on our honeymoon, but never said anything about it at the time (or indeed, for the next 27 years).
She had felt suicidal at some point in the past few years and she was sure God wouldn't want her to be in a situation that made her feel that way. (I'm not sure when this happened, or for how long. I don't know if it was a passing thought or an intense period. Surely I would have noticed if it was a long period? It certainly would have been a wake-up call.) I found out W has also mentioned the suicidal thoughts moment/period to D13. I think W is laying groundwork for telling the kids she is going to D me.
That afternoon I saw W when she picked up the kids from home. She had texted the Pastor 'to confirm Joe is coming to the meeting'. He'd sent a long reply saying it was just a meeting with her. W gave me a glance at her phone to show how long the text message was. (I don't know what it said.) W said it was like getting a text from her father (W's dad told her we need to work on the marriage; W won't contact him any more). W said she felt she was going to get "thrown under a bus" at the meeting. W said "it's a bit weird talking to you about this stuff", which seemed positive. I did my best to listen and validate.
W said that she hasn't told the pastor everything as she doesn't want him to think she's a 'total cow'. W said she didn't love me when we got married but thought she would learn to, but never did. I encouraged her to speak openly to the pastor otherwise any advice he gives will be misguided. I asked W if she'd seen a counsellor (something she said she was going to do when she moved out). W said no.
W said the kids are unhappy with her for separating. She said she doesn't diss me to them so they put all the blame on her as they don't know all the terrible things I've done. (I get the feeling W has more things in her head that I've done that I don't know about. I remember W coming home one time in tears. I tried to comfort her and find out what was wrong. "I told DC about you, and now she's never going to speak to you again!" she said. I had no idea what I'd done and W would never tell me what she'd said to her friend. DC and her husband were great friends of ours and contact seemed to fizzle out after that. I did have a feeling that other people knew more than me about what was going on in our M.)
On Friday, the day following our conversation, W and I had to talk about S15's upcoming birthday. W let me know she'd talked to her mother about the meeting with the pastor and his message. (No surprise there.) W had joked to her mum that maybe she should bring me as a support person, and her mum had said "Why not?" W said she was unhappy with the pastor and his wife because they want us to work on reconciliation. W asked how she was meant to overlook the past. "Just pretend it didn't happen?"
We did the weekly handover of the kids on Saturday instead of Sunday as the kids had some activities going on. As a result W had a roast she planned for their Saturday dinner going spare and invited us all back for lunch on Sunday. W didn't talk to me much and sat with D13 between us.
A very good (Christian) friend of W's contacted me to say that she had been talking things over with W. She has a big heart for W and is concerned for her. W apparently commented that she couldn't back down on D because her mother knows what she's decided. I haven't asked friend to tell me any more (and I'm sure she wouldn't). I think she is concerned about the influence W's mum has on her decision-making.
One of W's family (not her dad) told me I was "the best thing that ever happened to her". They won't tell W though.
