Kindly, I'm so sorry to hear you're feeling this way. (((Kindly))) I hope coming here will help you shake off the funk you've been in. Gerda always has good advice.
Originally Posted by Kindly
He has many behaviours that trigger my sadness and “why is this happening” line of questioning in my head which leads to self doubt, hurt and then sometimes disgust (with him and his behaviour)
I have spent a lot of time in self doubt lately after a couple of rounds of serious spewing from H, in which he tries to make me feel ashamed, inadequate, crazy... you name it. And you know I've struggled, like you are currently, with H looking happy from the outside. But it's just that--from the outside. Take that energy and put it back on you--pursuing what makes you happy. What brings you peace and contentment, even for a few minutes? Do those things. Do them as often as you can. Let H and his garage and his loud talking become a tiny blip compared to these things that bring you joy.
H tells me all of his new friends can't believe he was married to me, etc. And your H is yelling at you for ridiculous things. Don't believe any of it! Don't take on the feelings he is projecting onto you. Somewhere deep inside, I bet he is feeling unworthy and is trying to make you feel unworthy. You aren't! I know that's easier said than done. Do you have an IC you can talk to about how you're feeling? Are your family and friends able to help you see yourself and your situation more clearly and reflect your own value back to you? Keep surrounding yourself with people who make you feel good about life and about yourself, whether those people are IRL or in books or movies or podcasts or paintings or web forums. I've found headphones help me keep my focus on me and my immediate bubble--I'm taking a cue from H in this regard!
I love all of Gerda's advice and am taking it to heart as well.
Kindly, I wish I could offer you a piece of cheesecake. How's your garden?
