Fierce compassion, equanimity, integrity

[cardinal]

Hi, Gerda, job, and bttrfly. Thanks so much for being here with me. I'm not fighting against the outcome, and I am no longer crying--I was a mess, privately, for a couple of days after the last big spewing, and since then I've returned to survival mode, am still applying for jobs and making notes to ask a L. I made a wonderful cake for my birthday tomorrow even though I don't have much of an appetite! I do feel that I'm not seeing clearly, though. Gerda, like you wrote earlier, I think it will be impossible while H is still here. I know I've gotten pulled into his story, and I keep seeing things from his perspective and feeling sorry for him and taking on too much guilt. I'm relying on friends (here and IRL) and IC to give me reality checks often. It's dizzying, questioning the last big chunk of my life, trying to hold onto my own experience of M while acknowledging his, trying to identify what H's resentment is coloring and what it isn't, where I could have done better vs. what had/has nothing to do with me. I just found myself thinking poor H--I can see, from his perspective, he was in a terrible M for 10 years and he finally wants to leave, but now he has to pay $ for it, and he might have to move, and, well, there are all of these consequences that feel like punishments to him. He feels like he's being punished by me just for realizing he was deeply unhappy. I get that. And then I have to ask myself: Am I applying these consequences as punishments? Do I want to punish H? I don't think so. I just want to survive. It feels more like he is angry and needs to punish someone, so he turns to me.

When he looked at me, he never saw me ... just the narrative he'd created in his own addled brain.

That is it exactly. He doesn't see me anymore and I don't think he has for most of the last year. It's a strange feeling to feel that gaze on you, to feel like you are becoming the narrative. I don't see H anymore when I look at him, either, though. He's a doppelganger filled with hurt and anger.

It is only by being triggered in the ways I am being triggered these days, and most especially having 5 years of not living with my exh under my belt, that I can recognize any of it.

I am sorry for the pain you've gone through, bttrfly. This reminds me of what Gerda said too--I think it can be nearly impossible to see things for what they are during this post-BD time. The only thing his spewing has made me see clearly is that I need a L. Like DnJ wrote earlier too, I need someone who can see our financial situation clearly and guide me from a place of reason and not residual emotion.

If it bugs you to say that w/out explanation, tell him that your finances are separate from your feelings about the marriage, and you have to protect your half. Then smile cheerfully and leave the room. Remember that ad, "Never let 'em see you sweat"? Do that.

As Gerda pointed out, just smile and whatever you do, do not let him sweat. You have absolutely nothing to fear but fear itself.

Gerda and job, I really appreciate all of your concrete examples and reminders. I have learned so much from everyone here--yet I still walked into pointless convo with H! I totally knew better. I want no more repeats of that.

There's not a ton of money in our joint checking at the moment because of our tax bill and H paying his credit card. I did pay for my IC from it, even though I was, yep, a bit afraid H would spew. I know I shouldn't let fear stop me. I'll feel more comfortable and brave taking more steps with finances as soon as a L advises me. This is where I really need a L to take control, since I don't have access to the savings. Though I am still not at peace with the idea of being even more villainous in H's eyes, I know a L will actually help me feel way more empowered and protected in the long run.

So grateful to have all of you strong women here with me!