He has apologized many, many times during the EA, during the PA and shortly after. Including a lot of "you didn't deserve any of this" and "I know none of this is fair to you." But it's always been about the affair itself. Never about all the other things around it. Those are the apologies I'm still looking for. But we don't really talk about the scope of how what he did effected our lives and me and the kids. I know he's sorry he did what he did. I know he's sorry he made me cry. I know he's sorry he messed up our lives. I've heard those words long before I ever saw it in his actions. As much of a shi!tshow as he was he was cognizant of how awful this was for me. Before me coming here. Even when he said he was leaving. Even when he said there was nothing here for him OW or not. He's always acknowledged he was wrong and was apologetic. He just didn't care that he was wrong in the heart of it.
In one of our R talks around the time of the break up with OW he made some heartfelt statement about how he never wanted to hurt me like this, or this much, but he couldn't stop himself. I said I know, I've been there. And then I cried. He said I hate having these talks because you always cry. I hate seeing you cry. I said you really f***ed me up. I cry all the time now. He asked for a hug a wiped away my tears, and just said sorry and hugged me. To be honest that was the first sorry that feel like a real apology not just lip service. I think there are more apologies necessary for me to move on completely, but for the big ugly thing, he's been apologetic all along.
